Blog entry for:

dang it all, i thought was about how well i looked and not what was really going on, on the inside, after all, it is not how i feel that is important, ITS HOW I LOOK!
so now that i have that silliness, out of the way, what did i hear when i took a moment and listened this morning? well, for one, the decision i made to move along in my career feels like a good one and the time frame i chose to make the transition also feels like the next right thing to do. the fact that my laptop is currently in a barely operable state, is not something to use over, nor is it something to take me out to Best Buy to look for a replacement model. i could easily justify it financially and yes even professionally, BUT i know that is an overreaction to my lack of patience last evening. yes, it was i, and not adobe flash or Microsoft update that did in my faithful laptop. yesterday was one of of those mixed days, that turn out to be some frustration, one after another and the laptop disaster was just a perfect topped to a day where i KNEW that patience was the watch word for me.
it also has been several nights without writing my FOURTH STEP and at this point, in that particular process, i feel that stalling is not the best action to take, no, that would not be prudent at all. where all that has left me, with all this self-initiated change in my life is in a very strange place. i want, i want and i want. i want to be free from active addiction but i do not want to continue to do the recovery work. i want to have financial security, but i do not want to do full-time work. and i want to be younger and more fit and that is not even probable, much less possible. mostly what i hear coming from that dark place within, i often refer top as my addiction, is that i want to be able to use like the other 85% of the human population. the real fact is, that other 85% never have any thought to using, they just use or do not use and go on their merry ways. the fact that i can see how others use, and that i have the desire to want to use, even on a part-time basis, is evidence that i am not like those other 85%, in fact it is strong evidence of how broken i really am or maybe nor broken, but certainly different i am from them.
where do i take all of this? well remarkably, for me anyhow, i shared about this at the meeting the other night, inspiring the hostage takers to spout off their load of bumper stickers and platitudes. i also was approached after the meeting and cross-talked during the meeting about how important it was for someone like me, an addict in recovery with a bit of time, to share honestly this particular piece of garbage that i have dredged out of its hiding places, with the FOURTH STEP steam-shovel.
so there you have it, i am jealous and envious of the other 85% because they can use and walk away, it seems so silly when i put it down on virtual paper that is the bits and bytes of the internet. and yes i am resentful of them, because they are NOT like me and can use without any problem at all, or if they have problems, see them and walk away, with few regrets. i could go on, but that is the meat of the matter and i really do have to get on down to Denver, for another day of pay for stuff i really do like doing. other than that nasty bit, i really am okay and ready to see what this day may bring.

∞ DT ∞