Blog entry for:

or i will use again.
tons of stuff going on in my head this morning. whether or not being honest will cost me a job, or even an old acquaintance, who once was a friend but now i am wondering what that relationship was really based on.
the job, well in my pre-screening i was asked about my criminal record for the past seven to ten years BUT when it came time to fill out the background check paperwork the question was specifically EVER, so being the person i am, i tossed and turned for several minutes before deciding that the next right thing to do, was to be honest. after all, if they decide to look, they will find my record in the long run, and the consequences of that sort of admission after the fact, are ones that i do not wish to face on any day. i slept well last night, even though i was wondering if letting go, being honest and allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to do ITs gig and leave the results, up to that POWER. this morning, even though i am writing about this, i have resolved to let it go, do the next right thing for me and see what happens. yes, i WANT the gig. yes, i CAN DO this gig. so when the next line that comes to my head starts with a BUT, i need to stop and remember where my personal power does l;ay, and it is certainly not in this situation, as i have now done what i am supposed to do, shared what i was supposed to share and it is time to move along, after all, right here and right now, there is nothing here to see, at least in this respect.
the second part of what is rolling around my head this morning, is this whole relationship gig and how am i supposed to act when someone i have not seen much less heard from in years decides to come back into my life, for a visit. i am really torn about what i am doing. at one time they were rather important to me and a source of inspiration, when i was wondering if there was any payoff to long term clean time. well these days, i am more than certain that staying clean, is its own reward and while days upon days are cool and allow me the freedom to become who i have always wanted to be. the problem, at least from my perspective, is that when someone drops back into your life after being gone for years on end, there is a good chance that the person they knew is no longer around. a decade is a long time, especially for me. 10 years ago, i would have dropped any service commitments i had, to spend 1 minute with my old friend, but 10 years ago, i was still confused about what my worth was and what it is i am and am not entitled to. these days, things are not quite so simple, as i have developed a sense of self-worth, self-respect and am not quite as needy for outside validation. i responded to their request in a cordial manner, and apparently that was NOT what they wanted to hear. i was and still am, more than a little mad, the anger i feel is bordering on being pissed-off, and i want to reach out and stomp someone, which i know is not the sort of action that i want to follow through on, at least not today. instead i upped the stakes a bit, repeated what i had originally said, in less uncertain terms and am writing this little ditty to move on.
as i sit here and think about who i was, the last time i spent any real time interacting with this old friend, i am wondering, at least on my part, what this friendship was really based on and how can i renew it that honors the both of us, and some of that means taking back what i want to say, which given the difference in how the two of us live and the wonder of technology, is still entirely possible. as i have very little power over what someone else feels or thinks is reality, i will have to let it go at that. what i wanted to say, what i did say and have to delete, may be valid expressions of how i am feeling, but do not lend themselves to anything constructive and will shut the door on any possible rebuilding of a relationship in the here and now. ironic, that i am expected to be the same after years, but from the little information i can gather, i see them behaving in the same way they always have, and that interpretation, and that is exactly what it is an interpretation based on less than 50 words, may be suspect as well.
these days, it is not my duty, my path or even my destiny to live up to the expectations of anyone else, for me to secretly hold on to that, is like the Delta house being put on double-secret probation. how can they know how to behave, if i do not tell them the rules. those rules? treat me with the respect i deserve and consider the possibility that you no longer have a clue about who i have become. i am worth your respect, whether or not you choose to give it to me and will treat you respectfully in return, because, you too, have been on a journey, that i have not been a witness to, so what i thought were the rules has more than likely changed.
anyhow, i do believe i will get out of the doors and get some mileage in. for once i am actually going to have to put on my tights and that is strange and unusual as well.
being cold instead of being overheated!
it is a good day to be clean and for me to assert the truth about who i am. so off to the streets i go!

∞ DT ∞