Blog entry for:

the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery and just gratefully accept things for what they are. which today, is not too bad. as this is my space, i need to make a quick comment on the election results. NOTHING CHANGED. what i see that meaning is the political parties NEED to reach out to their non-traditional constituencies and find a middle ground. no longer can white bread America be counted on to win the White House, based on their numbers alone. both parties need to move into the center and let the fringes take care of themselves.
i am grateful, that i live in a place where i can write stuff like that, without the secret police coming to knock on my door and take me away. i thought the interview i had last Thursday was a good one, and yet no word one way or another, and I WANT, I WANT and yes I WANT. what does it all mean, and how can i get out of this trap of looking for the will of my HIGHER POWER in all the wrong places. the fact of the matter is: i have a well-paying and challenging position until February. i have my bills up to date and more than enough work in my outside pipeline to keep me busy this month. i have a meeting with my sponsor this evening, that i have actually prepared for and i have the desire to live today in a manner that is consistent with the principles i liberally spout off about. so what more could i ask for? that my friends is certainly a very loaded question. that is also where STEP 11 needs to kick in. the part of me i call addiction, always wants more of this and that, and even where i have success, that is never enough. that part of me, wants clear direction in how to obtain even more and now that i live in a state where two out of three of my holy trinity of my favorite combination are now legal, that part of me has even more to say about what i want. not that the legality was ever a concern to me, in most cases i ignored it and did what i did in plain and open sight. what this comes down to, is that i could interpret that vote as a SIGN form the POWER that fuels my recovery that i can use those two substances without any damage, after all i came to recovery with a legal problem and not a substance abuse issue. from there it only spins down a whole lot faster and tighter, until the one combination that i never tried, and has always romantically appealed to me, starts to look like a good idea. as i type this out, i am getting that sick feeling in my stomach that could be my conscience kicking in, reminding me that i KNOW the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery is to stay clean today. or it could be that feeling of anticipation i used to get, just before…
the manner in which i am going to interpret that feeling right here and right now, is that it is me moving into self-will and as romantic as it all sounds, i have seen the results of what happens to people like me, who move down the path i have been writing about. just typing that has already changed how i am feeling and bringing me back to the here and now. which means it is time to shower and shave and chain myself to the keyboard for several hours before heading down to the office. i may want a whole lot of stuff, what i NEED i have already in front of me, and for that i can express a bit of gratitude and move forward. after all, it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞