Blog entry for:

through me when i share my past. that possibility is why i am here, and its fulfillment is the most important goal i have to accomplish.
as hard as i tried to deny it, and as tempting as it is to do so today, for all intents and purposes I AM the product of my past. there i said it, much briefer than my original attempt that i sent into the bit bucket by closing my browser, during a multitasking situation. in fact i have to finish a few other things before i continue down this path. BRB!
okay, all of my distractions have been removed for now, time to sprint to the end.
where was i? oh yeah, unfortunately, i AM defined by my past, i accept that as fact. i have no problem with that, because, as a result of the STEPS, some clean time and the recovery process,the product i see before me today, is much greater than the sum of its parts, my past being one of those parts. it was difficult for me to see that my past had any value, when i came to the rooms, even when i finally started the active recovery process, i still had trouble swallowing that fact. all my life, i had done all that i could do, to eliminate my past, through geographic changes; changes in lovers, friends and acquaintances; changes in careers and most of all the continual change in consciousness, that i got through chemical bliss. as hard as i tried to run from my past, in fact the harder i tried to spin and reinvent my past and myself, the more tenacious and pernicious it was. all that effort and so very few results, and still i am here today.
somewhere in my second set of steps, when i finally woke up to the real world and started to become an active participant in my life, i finally GOT that my past was an asset and not a liability. my past gives me something i can give away to others, as my mistakes are not unique. my actions are not unique and most importantly what i feel and think is not unique and does not exist in a vacuum.
how i deal with all of that, is far from unique as well. i have a process, and i am currently engaged in that part of the steps as well. hence the internal battle between Susie sunshine full of HOPE, and donno mcgintymiester, dark, cynical and ready to pounce on the first opportunity to get mine. it never has been this difficult to balance those two different aspects of me, and as a matter of fact, all i want to do, is reintegrate them into the whole person that is me. there is more than a bit of resistance to that, and as i write this, i know what it is. the FEAR of becoming something i am NOT! quite honestly that is so fVcking irrational, that as i write this, i am chuckling to myself. that has always been my greatest FEAR about the recovery process, and that has always been where my greatest leap of FAITH has had to come from, releasing that FEAR and allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery, to morph me into the whole person, that i really do want to become.
anyhow, i see today, that as a product of my past, i have value, and denying that will only diminish my self image and impede the process into becoming the person i really want to be:
dark, cynical, hopeful and full of light!
and so much more. anyhow, i better wrap this up and see what i can get done today, i do have a deadline to meet.

∞ DT ∞