Blog entry for:

—**whatever** that understanding may be.
the most important part here is the whatever part, at least for me. i have said it before and it bears a bit of repeating right now, that the journey to that understanding is the destination, for me anyhow. as much as i would like to think differently, i still have issues with religion and the book i am currently reading for my book club, is doing little to dispel those apprehensions. even though i get the feeling it is a hatchet job on the Mormon religion, i can see his point, that the author could have chosen any religion, and the result would have been the same, a hatchet job on that particular religion. it seems that organized religion, at least to me, can bring out the worst in the its unstable adherents and lead to the brutal and heinous interpretations of what GOD's will may happen to be.
i can now climb down from my soapbox and move on.in this fellowship the RIGHT to a HIGHER POWER of my understanding is absolute. i appreciate that and as my spiritual journey continues, i feel more and more connected to a POWER i understand less and less. i heard it said several times i a meeting last night, when i could tear myself away from texting on my phone, that the members were being tested, their recovery was being tested, because life on life's terms was not meeting their expectations. HMMMM, life is supposed to work out the way i want it? if that was the case, i would still have a needle in my arm, and looking for the next vein to to that very next one. that was, how i could have quite easily ended-up IF life on life's terms had not happened to me. more and more i am getting that what happens in my life is neither good or bad, it just is one of a series of events that have led up to this moment. it is my judgement and interpretation that adds that label. if i allow that life happens, and everything is just life, not a test, not a trail by fire and not a blessing or a curse, i am much more comfortable and i take the sting out of events that are not particularly pleasant for me, such as the untimely demise of our four legged companion, Lucy. yes it still stings, and the loss is still there, but that does not mean i will never allow another dawg into our house, nor does that mean that i am being punished for some sort of sin, it just means she ate something it got caught in her guts, and she did not recover from the invasive surgery that could have saved her life. oh, i could wail and moan about how unfair it all is, where is the justice and how i can be ever so good and unpleasant things still happen to me. or i can be present with my grief, acknowledge my loss and move on. GOD did not deal me an unfair hand, regardless to how bad i may think it is.
the other thing that is on my mind this morning is something someone said at the meeting last night. while it is true that i can see the results of the chaos i create, in the here and now, the good stuff i do, can also be witnessed in the here and now. i matter just because i am and i need not make a huge splash in the world around me, to get acknowledgement that i am. the steps and yes the POWER that fuels my recovery has given me the certainty that i exist and i can be a force in the world around me. that force need not be tectonic in strength, nor does it have to be negative, once again it just is, and how i apply myself to being myself, is all that is important. yes i saw and heard of events that did not please me yesterday, but that does not mean that they were bad. yes i feel for those who are suffering inside and outside of the rooms, but it does not mean i will don a hair shirt, shave my head and become some sort of poverty driven monk. it means that i can wish that they come to terms with who they are, realize where their power does lie, and allow themselves the FREEDOM to be happy. i know for me, it all starts with the gift of myself, that was given to me from the POWER that fuels my recovery and for that gift i am extremely grateful today.

∞ DT ∞