Blog entry for:

one of the most absurd questions, i have ever heard or read, and yet for some reason, it certainly is a great seed for this little exercise this morning.
when i grew up, well drug addicts were just starting to be seen around, living where i did, ion white bread suburbia, and rural small town America, it was not something i was exposed to very often. even on TV, it was rarely depicted and so when i became aware in the early seventies, things had certainly changed. all of a sudden, what was a class and race thing, exploded into my consciousness, as i started my first forays into that world. of course, how could i be an addict. i said even way back then. i do not do this and i do not do that, all i do is a little…
the denial of what the substances i noodled around with were doing to me, did not become apparent, until i actually had to look at it very briefly in my first trip through the steps. even though the focus of that first steps was on what i did, and not about the true nature of my problem, i stayed clean long enough to land where i certainly belong today. today, i have no problem with admitting that i am an addict. today i take no issue about what it is i need to do, to stay clean,. and today, well today, i am happy that i have a path that leads to so much more than simple abstinence.
ok enough daises and rainbows!
what i learned from the early seventies, was that for me, mind and mood altering substances were my friends and my pathway to becoming something i was not. i was more popular, better looking and oh such more witty, when i was high, just because i felt so much better than i did as i walked through the rest of me life. instant big man on campus just add one or two, of this and that, and BOOM there i was. it is hardly a wonder that , that love affair went on for a quarter of a century. as i start my way through year seventeen, of this recovery gig, i feel like my life in recovery is taking the path that my life as teenager could have taken, had i not done that very first one. no this is not about missed opportunities or remorse over a life misspent, this is about learning how to do it right, this time. i GOT a second chance all those days ago, and i get to decide where my life will take me today. what do i want to be when i grow up?
GENUINE, WHOLE and SELF-AWARE.
i will always be an addict, that much has been revealed to me, but i need not be defined by that label, as i am so much more than that today. as i move forward, i see that i can live beyond the definitions of who i am, only if i embrace who i am, and celebrate it. i refuse to allow myself to be pigeonholed into something i am not, just because what makes me who i am.
but anyhow, i guess i have written myself into a corner that i cannot get out of, yes i am not responsible for being an addict. that responsibility was removed the first time i used, or perhaps, i never ever had the choice in that matter. I AM responsible for being awake, present and an active part of my life and my recovery, something i willingly, at least right here and now, take responsibility for. so on that not i think i will get mocving off to the place that pays my bills, as i have a responsibility to take care of myself in this amtter as well.

∞ DT ∞