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and although some days i wonder if i really am an addict or not, i have yet to test that hypothesis by trying some controlled using, but that day may yet arrive. so i here i sit on a sunday morning, up obscenely early, thinking about doing a bit work and pondering the nature of choice in my life today.
and what exactly can i choose today, if i cannot choose not to be an addict? well i can choose whether or not to smoke a cigarette today, that is something i could not choose to even think about not doing for quite a long time in my life. i can choose to blow off my responsibilities and not do any work today, after all deadlines are just another artificial construct of limited minds trying to impose their will on the chaos of the world. i can choose to take care of my household responsibilities and drain the sprinkler system, but we will probably not have a hard freeze for a couple more weeks. i can choose to disappear to a warm and tropical location and abandon my life, friends and responsibilities. in fact, this morning as winter approaches and the days get shorter that choice is quite an attractive one to me. but what is this really all about? why would i be looking at some very outrageous and ridiculous choices such as the ones i have enumerated above? well mostly it is to make a point to myself, that no matter how seemingly harmless or wildly damaging a choice is, they are all part of what i can do today. the gift of choice was only given to me after i got clean and after i actually conceded to my innermost self that i was an addict and i needed to find a new way to live. the program that allowed me the freedom to choose whether i will put a substance in my body today, so that i do not have to feel this cold, or the ups and downs of daily living. it is from that choice everything else flows. my life may not be perfect today, but it is a helluva lot better than it was, all because i can make a choose to allow myself another day of recovery. i have the disease of addiction. i am not responsible for having it, but i am responsible for my recovery.

∞ DT ∞