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being an addict certainly sounds like a choice i might have the ability to make. i, after all, believed that i was too broken to be seen in full view, for decades on end. if i could live that sort of life, perhaps i could deny my way into choosing to live in the smoke and mirrors of being a non-addicted person. i would not be the first member of a twelve step fellowship to believe that they had inherently changed and now they walk through life as a socially acceptable, moderately using “normie.” as tempting as that sounds to me and trust me, it does sound like a wonderful sort of life, i am certain that for me, it would never work out. those who walk away and never have any issues are no better or worse than i am, they make their choice and i make mine ⇝ just for today, i will not use.
a year ago, as i was stumbling towards what became one of the seminal events of my recovery to date, i wrote that i felt i was no more broken than any of my peers. that was part of the lie, i certainly did feel more broken and had spent a lifetime hiding that fact from the entire world, including myself. now that is out and in the open, i am starting to “feel” the need to find my way through to starting a SIXTH STEP. as painful as that may end up being, i know it has to be done and by choosing to defer the next step, until the tomorrow that never comes, i am choosing to remain “stuck” where i am,. which is not an entirely undesirable place.
i want to get a long workout done and even though it is literally freezing outside and still dark, i also have some other desires i choose to do this morning. i am grateful this morning for all the pain and angst that this process has put me through. i am also grateful that i no longer need to rely on the “disease concept” to claim my chair in this fellowship. i know what i am and even if i left the program behind, i know that for this addict, there is no such thing as happily using a moderate amount of dis or dat, on a semi-irregular basis. i may not see myself as being sick anymore, but i certainly do see myself as an addict or as the “professionals” are apt to say, a person with an addictive personality. 🤕

∞ DT ∞