Blog entry for:

fellowship, a sense of purpose, and conscious contact with a Higher Power.
turning a curse into a blessing. quite the concept and of course it is all how i choose to look at things today, that can make all the difference. last night, as i went over my daily inventory, something popped from over the past week, well a couple of somethings, namely the behavior of others, as signs of my own slipping away from active recovery. the fact that another addict cheats on their spouse, with a newcomer who is involved with one of their friends, really is of little consequence to my own recovery. what it does do, is to create a barrier between me and one of my peers, especially when i hear them share about how fVcking much they have changed. the fact that another one of my peers, wanted desperately to end what they started but are all butt hurt and sad, because they lost control of the situation, is another. both point to one of my character defects, no i am not a philanderer nor am i seeking a way out, but what it highlights in me, is my obsession with appearances. it brings up questions, of whether or not i am a hypocrite, saying one thing than doing another. and it certainly is very fertile ground for me to explore.
am i all lip service, demanding respect that is not their and lying about how much i have changed, as a result of living the program? or do i have some dark, dank and secret life, where i do whatever the fVck i choose to do and then lie about what is evident to everyone around me? do i rant and rail at a meeting about how awful addiction is, than walk out into a world of entitlement? am i really any better than when i walked into the rooms? has the curse of addiction been turned into a blessing for me?
as dark as all that seems,there is more than a bit of HOPE in all of that. namely, that i am asking myself the questions, is certainly a sign of change. secondly, that i am actually seeking answers for myself, through the aegis of the program of recovery i have been given, is yet another. i need not rail and rant, nor need i crow and shout about what addiction did to me, and what the program is currently doing for me. i GET the opportunity to be self-supporting, to be clean, to be faithful, to earn the respect of my peers and to make choices and accept the consequences of those choices, because of the program of recovery i ascribe to, not in spite of it. when i look at my life through that lens, i can see that the curse i am afflicted with, has certainly been transformed into a blessing, and will remain so, as long as i CHOOSE to work the program as it has been given to me, by my peers and predecessors, just for today.

∞ DT ∞