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these things can only keep me locked in the spirit of bitterness and resentment. the path to freedom and spiritual growth begins where bitterness ends, with acceptance.
ah, the tired old chicken versus egg argument, or if you prefer cause and effect. could i really have achieved what i have achieved, reached new levels of self-acceptance and understanding, been given the life i now have, IF i never had suffered from the disease of addiction? well for one thing my life would certainly been different, had i not got high that very first time way back when. how different is certainly a debatable issue. i was a misfit even before i ever used that first time, moody, sullen, and withdrawn most of the time. one might dismiss that as normal teen angst, and one might be correct in that assessment. i also was intelligent, creative and quite a free-spirit, so quite possibly i was on my way to becoming some sort of force in the world around, as i believed i was destined to be ever since i started to dream about my life when i was a child.
it is kind of cool that i am sitting here pondering where my life is and where it might have been because i am planning on sitting down with my sponsor this afternoon and doing my fifth step. i did my very first fifth step on the second weekend of February in 1998 and here it is on my third go around the second weekend in February again. so what does fifth stepping have to do with accepting the fact that i was and could once again be a victim of my own active addiction. well for one thing, i now believe that if i do not make progress on my step work, no matter how slow it may be, i will return to active addiction. preparing to share my fourth step with my sponsor has had me thinking about my life up to this point in my recovery. exploring the paths of my feelings and attitudes in active addiction and in recovery, and uncovering some of the less than savory things i inflicted on the world around me and myself, as a result of doing what i needed to do to survive.
so this reading reminds me that every day i go without using is a miracle, for which i should be grateful. it also reminds me that had i never picked up that very first time, i would have never come to this particular place in my life. that does not mean that my life may not have been as good as it is now, just that the chances are that would would look quite different. so the real question is; am i grateful today for the disease of addiction? and my answer, right here and right now is yes i am. after all, the disease of addiction brought me to a path that allows me to become the sort of man i have always wanted to be, and who knows, i may yet become a force in the world around me.

∞ DT ∞