Blog entry for:

i realize that i usually am doing better than i am feeling.
the reading spoke of motives, and the whole Arizona, legalized discrimination bullsh!t, that has had my panties all knotted up is a perfect case in point. the governor vetoed the bill, but not because she saw it for the transparent attempt that it was to create a class of untouchables, because the NFL would have yanked the SUPER BOWL from Phoenix, next year. football, trumps doing the right thing for the right reason!
just as that governor did, i am subject to being guilty of the exact same sort of actions, doing the next right thing for all the wrong reasons. most of the time, i do something, because i think it will make me look better in the eyes of my peers. yes it is often all about looking good, and not dealing with the feeling good part. as a result, the two new questions that have been added to my nightly inventory, may be joined by a third: “did i do something today to make myself look better in the eyes of my peers?” or even better, as it goes to the theme: “did i do the next right thing, just because it made me look better in the eyes of my peers?”oh yeah, lest i forget

Derek W,
Congrats on SEVEN YEARS CLEAN.
Thank you for doing this, day after day.

it is a good thing that i have no illusions about becoming a spiritual giant, expressing my gratitude and coming down off my high horse, are certainly healthier behaviors than my natural inclinations. the question that needs to be asked, is what are my motives, in adding those to my NIGHTLY inventory? at the risk of being less than transparent, i do believe i will leave that discussion to the more private forum of my trusted peers, the men whose experience, strength and hope, can better help me to answer that question. i will say this, just adding those questions to my inventory, has made a marked difference in my behavior, especially when it comes down to relating with the men who chose me to sponsor them. each day, as i close my eyes, i can be certain, that what i did or did not do during the day, has been reviewed and often in painstaking detail. the result is, most nights i fall asleep quickly and sleep well throughout the night. so exactly how pure are my motives for doing a NIGHTLY inventory?i certainly do savor the results and i do alter my behavior because i am more aware of what it is that i am doing in the here and now, but the question that bares asking, is: are my motives pure, or am i doing my TENTH STEP, just to look better in my own eyes and that of my peers?
the reading answers that question succinctly, it does not fVcking matter, what matter sis that i am doing it and i need not fret over what my motives for doing it are. just as the governor of Arizona, lame duck as she is, did the right thing, because of FEAR of the economic fallout, in the end the result is the same. i stay clean, because i live the program and for me, living the program means i take a NIGHTLY inventory. just as those who have walked hoist path before me have done, i am learning to alter my life to fit recovery and not altering the program to fit who i think i am. one size may not fit all of us, but at least i am willing to change and adapt today. so i owe, i owe, it is off to work i go, for another day of doing the next right thing, and maybe i will get lucky enough to do it for the right reason.

∞ DT ∞