Blog entry for:

doing better than i feel, although i am quite certain my motives are far from **pure** in any respect. over the past few days, i have come to a few conclusions about how **well** i just may be. right here and right now, i have to admit that i jumped off a local meeting twice because there were not enough addicts in attendance and the few that were there, seem to have little to offer me. in the meeting i did go to, what i heard was a theme i heard way back when i first got clean. that theme is that i may not like the package, but i may just get something i need, if i actually stay and pay attention. i am not trying to rationalize or justify my behavior in this instance, i did do a “peek and bolt.”
this same notion brings me back to my recalcitrant sponsee, as he and i are at loggerheads about what he “needs” to do and what he is willing to do. my part is that i may be hearing what he says, but i am not actually listening and processing his concerns, because of course with two decades more of clean time than him, i “know” better. we still may decide to end this relationship and move on, but at least i am better armed and informed about what i am thinking and feeling. before i wrap this up and head out into this chilly morning to get some miles in:

Derek W,
Congrats on Fourteen (14) years clean.
Just For Today seems to be working for you.

what also has come bubbling up to the surface this week, is my unwritten FOURTH STEP and as i pondered the nature of the resentments i currently possess, some are ancient and some are certainly more recent, as springing into full bloom in the past few weeks. over the course of this weekend, as i am locked to work by my “pager” there are two things i wish to accomplish: get my taxes done and get my 4TH step written out. before all of that though, comes my need to get out and pound some thousands of steps to burn off my remaining layer of my “winter of discontent” fat. i am resolved to do all that i can to reduce my chances of ending up like some of the older members of my family, as now i am very cognizant of what my dip into the gene pool, has in store for me. just for today, it is time to be a little bit better version of myself and see the world through the eyes of others.

∞ DT ∞