Blog entry for:

the gifts of the POWER that fuels my recovery. who am i? well i am an addict in recovery, who lacks the power to stay clean, without an outside influence. that influence is a power greater than the power of addiction that is part of me, and that i choose to call the POWER that fuels my recovery. i could use a lot of different terms for that POWER in fact, i often do, but the important part here, is that i accept that POWER into my life and move forward following its guidance. i shared in my home group yesterday, that knowing the difference between self-will and the will of that POWER, is really not that difficult. it all boils down to what i have to do, to get outcomes i desire. yes i know plan the plan and leave the outcome to that POWER, is what i have been told since i first got clean and made the move into the fellowship that has given me this new way of living. and yet, more times than i care to admit, i find myself, manipulating, bullying and bludgeoning my was forward to get what i think i want, only to discover that it was not at all what i needed or <GASP> even wanted. the reading was not about self-will, however, self-will plays a role in my relationship with that POWER, as i have yet to reach sainthood, or even spiritual guru-ness, i slip, i fall and i stumble along in self-will more often than not. in fact, i want what i want and i want it right now, and once upon a time, i would get pissed off at GOD, for not giving me my heart's desires, in real-time. it was disturbing to me, to hear a sponsee tell me that he was freed up by his FIFTH STEP, to the point that he worked the remaining steps with Jesus and now he was certain who he was. as i sit here this morning, i see that is all that much different, than the attitude that invades my serenity from time to time. i think that i too, have an inside track, given to me from GOD and that everything else is wrong and outside the scope of what i am trying to do.
i forget or choose to ignore, that everything i have been given, although the result of the footwork i do, is just that a gift i receive, through my interactions with the world around me. it is so awful easy for me to forget what it was like, when the grace i receive as part of my daily reprieve from active addiction, was not always a part of my life. i take it for granted and yes even come to believe that i am entitled to it, just because i am who i am. when i reach that state of affairs, then i am in danger of slipping away from the fellowship to which i owe my life. i lose the notion that i owe a debt to those who were here before me, and the only way i can pay that back debt, is through showing up and passing it along to my peers in recovery. each and every day, i stay clean and do what is put in front of me, i USE the gifts that the POWER that fuels my recovery has given me, and each and every time i show up at a meeting and share with one or more of my peers, i pass those gifts along. yes Oprah and Hollyweird can call it paying it forward. i call it living a program of recovery, and that program comes from the POWER that fuels my recovery, in a partnership with me. can i put aside what i need to put aside and show up for a friend in court tomorrow morning? more than likely. i want to see, if he is coming back to reality, and as the day grows later and i am still lounging around in my jammies, i too, need to get real, get clean and get cracking on some stuff, not the least of which is to write out my NINTH STEP, as that is what is on my heart this morning.

∞ DT ∞