Blog entry for:

well i wondered when i would have to cross this bridge. as i move further and further into my new way of looking at the POWER that fuels my recovery, and my relationship with that POWER, prayer becomes less and less important. when i read this reading this morning, my gut reaction was that the word humble was used in the sense of servility and abasement. you know: the “i am not worthy;” and “i will avert my eyes at the necessary moment” kind of stuff that comes from my misinterpretation of what religion was all about. that garbage is way overdue to be forever banished from my life, and after a second, and some time in quiet contemplation, i understood that what the reading was saying was not at all, what it first struck me as. that once again i had overreacted to some old programming and gone off the rails. that seems to be a recurring theme lately, and it makes me wonder what is up.
generally, when i have one shortcoming after another popping up in my life, seemingly auto-magically, it is the addict that is me, fighting a deep and fundamental change, a paradigm shift as it were. the set of steps has produced some fundamental changes, to use the metaphor of tectonic shifts that i used the other day, a series of magnitude 3s and 4s, nothing earth-shattering, just a constant rumbling. the landscape is becoming unfamiliar and i am consumed by FEAR, when change is rolling over me, day after day. now, as i look ahead, which always seems to be the root of all my FEARS, i am not sure i am willing to finish what was started. i am fairly certain that one of the new guys that i am sponsoring was put in my life, to knock me off the wall and finish my conversion to a different point of view. the lesson i am getting is to let go, and allow those changes to sweep me off to a different place and for the most part, i have no issue with allowing that to happen. ah, but i am a stubborn and willful old cuss, and just sitting back and letting stuff happen, especially to me, is not what i have been all about, for the longest time. to me, i seem to think actively participating in a program of recovery means doing something, anything. thew message i am getting is to just sit still and allow the new landscape to be revealed, and as i fight that, i trip off the shortcomings that give me the most pain and pleasure, one right after another, to prove to myself that sitting still and letting my new perceptions form, is NOT the way to go.
so what is it that i asking for today? well a path to follow and a vision of HOPE. what is it that i am hearing? sit still, pat attention and more will be revealed. with that thought in mind, i think i will head on out and see what i can do to be a part of the real world today.

∞ DT ∞