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is more important than saving face. yes, quite a radical idea, and certainly a theme of my recent growth in recovery. i have heard some of my peers sharing about, they thought that maybe, this path was not for them, as they were not seeing the results they desired. of course i paraphrase and what they really said, had that message wrapped up in quite a pretty package of denial, justifications and rationalizations. for me, this Kool-Ade, tastes just fine, and if there is poison in it, it has yet to do anything than make me a better human being. does that mean i sheepishly walk into the corridors of steel, as the song goes, awaiting my fate in the abattoir of conformity, boredom and ennui? not by a long-shot, yes i go places, do things and have fun. i even have medical procedures, surgeries, but each time approach one of those, i get more spiritually fit. honestly, it appears to me, that it is not the events where alcohol may be served, or surgeries that take the majority of my peers out, although they do account for a great number of relapses. what i see taking my peers out, is the rising tide of unmet expectations. they seem to expect that thew ONLY promise made here, seems to be saying that they are entitled to a loving relationship, many friends, exciting, fun-filled life and a fulfilling career. as time grinds on for them, and their expectations fail to materialize for one reason or another, they start seeking alternative paths to get what they think they deserve. most of the time, they float off into something way different and perhaps they do not return to active addiction, as most of the time, i never see them again. i know, that this addict, and i say that without any qualifications or reservations, does not know how he could survive without the fellowship and this path of recovery. THE PROMISE, has come true for me, and my life, while far from perfect, is one that i love, and did not have to “settle” for. patience is not my strong suit, however, doing what i hate the most, absolutely nothing, i have gotten my reward, the desire to stay clean, today.
when i start to feel, that maybe, just maybe, this is not paying off, i have to stop and ask myself what the fVck, is it that i am expecting? a perfect body, ripped and tanned? a large bank account? a gazillion friends, who call me day and night? and the list could go on and on, what is important for me, is to see what is not on that list. i have a job, that i like going to, every day. i have a relationship with a woman who is my equal and my peer. i got the chance to graduate from college. i have friends that call me from time to time, just to see how i am doing. most importantly i have a path that is leading in a direction that i never dreamed was possible, and when i stop trying to direct my life, fix myself and surrender to the process, well the results are amazing.
so while many others, thrash around looking for something outside to fix them, i have the answer, that is the POWER that fuels my recovery. what that POWER may look like, how that POWER operates, or why that POWER would do for me, what i cannot do for myself, is beyond my ken and stuff i need not think about any longer. the evidence, at least as i see it, is that SOMETHING brought me here and has given me the opportunity to stay clean, one day after another. with that gift in mind,m i think i will get rolling on over to the next right thing, a day of doing what i am paid to do, and see what happens. life is good today and even better because i have a direction to follow, regardless of where the final destination may be.

∞ DT ∞