Β½ i may think that i have done enough by writing about my past. Β½
Posted: Wed, Sep 17, 2014 07:44:03 AM
i cannot afford this mistake. there was once a time where the masochistic practice of endless inventories and mea culpas was part of who i thought i wanted to be. just as the flagellants seem to believe, so i believed that pain, and especially self--inflicted pain was the vehicle to enlightenment, and STEPS FOUR and FIVE, were tailor made for that sort of belief system. after all, i was brought into this world a Catholic, so i know all about i am not worthy and needing forgiveness, for just being born.
the whole theme of not being worthy, needing someone to intercede for me, and pain to atone for my sins, made me a victim of recovery, which in the early days fit well with the story i told myself. i was not an addict, until the members present made me one, and i certainly was not one of the freaks i saw when i got here. so as a suffering martyr, i took on my first set of steps, because i was fairly certain that i would not hurt, and i was correct, as i ran my past through the filter of the seven deadly sins, i got very little relief, but i did finally have my obsession to use lifted from me. basically that is where my step work ended. oh i made a few amends, certainly made some lifestyle changes and i stayed clean, slowly becoming more miserable, isolated and hopeless. it was not until my second journey through the steps, that i saw that playing the victim to recovery, was no longer paying off for me, and i had to choose, recover or start using. there are not a whole lot of binary decisions in this life, however, for me, that was one. i knew how miserable the middle ground was, and my experience since has bolstered those observations.
so when i worked f that second set of steps, i had decided that i was going to double down and do this recovery gig to the best of my ability and walk tall as a member of the only fellowship that could provide me the relief i was seeking. the rest of my story is history, i am still clean, still working steps and today, i am NOT a victim of recovery, i am a full-fledged participant in my daily recovery program, at least just for today.
Chuck C
27 years of Just for Todays
Congrats my friend
the whole theme of not being worthy, needing someone to intercede for me, and pain to atone for my sins, made me a victim of recovery, which in the early days fit well with the story i told myself. i was not an addict, until the members present made me one, and i certainly was not one of the freaks i saw when i got here. so as a suffering martyr, i took on my first set of steps, because i was fairly certain that i would not hurt, and i was correct, as i ran my past through the filter of the seven deadly sins, i got very little relief, but i did finally have my obsession to use lifted from me. basically that is where my step work ended. oh i made a few amends, certainly made some lifestyle changes and i stayed clean, slowly becoming more miserable, isolated and hopeless. it was not until my second journey through the steps, that i saw that playing the victim to recovery, was no longer paying off for me, and i had to choose, recover or start using. there are not a whole lot of binary decisions in this life, however, for me, that was one. i knew how miserable the middle ground was, and my experience since has bolstered those observations.
so when i worked f that second set of steps, i had decided that i was going to double down and do this recovery gig to the best of my ability and walk tall as a member of the only fellowship that could provide me the relief i was seeking. the rest of my story is history, i am still clean, still working steps and today, i am NOT a victim of recovery, i am a full-fledged participant in my daily recovery program, at least just for today.
∞ DT ∞