Blog entry for:

but a meaning nonetheless.
--TAKE TWO--
it has been one of those mornings, where i am not quite right enough or bright enough to get what i need done, in an expeditious manner.
the meaning of life, although it was hilarious movie by my favorite British comedy troupe, it was not something i thought much about after that first time i got high. yes, i had dreams, drive, aspirations and goals, and they were not somehow tragically stripped from me, the first time my mind was altered, on purpose. i had some meaning to my life, and it remained for some time, or rather it was replaced by my need to get high on a daily basis. i sold or traded away all of my ambition so i could get high and as a result came to recovery, an empty shell of a person, with one meaning to my life: get out of legal trouble, so i could once again use to my heart's content.
after thirteen months of abstinence, i had developed some patterns and rituals of recovery in my life and started to fulfill the dream of becoming a college graduate, but my life felt empty, i had not found anything to replace the lack of meaning to my life, that getting high had protected me from. sure, i had worked the steps, i went to meetings, i served the fellowship and had sponsees, but it all felt hollow and empty, much like the program of recovery i was trying to simulate and i was quite frankly ready to walk away and find a different path.
i did find a new path, it took me six months to embark upon that path, and the patterns i had established in that previous incarnation of recovery, were just enough to sustain me, until i got to the point of actually diving into the different way of life.
yes, me the serious non-conformist, rebel without a clue, had a ritual and a pattern to my life that i practiced by rote. amazingly, that pattern is still part of my life today, but my superstitious need to blindly adhere to it has been removed. today, the pattern of my recovery ritual and ceremony is by choice, not because someone told me to do it. from the outside, it probably does not look any different than in those early, dark days, but on the inside, there is a whole lot more going on. today, i CHOOSE to ask for the power to stay clean. today, i CHOOSE to spend some time listening for the direction i need to follow today. today, i CHOOSE to give my employer my best and when i feel slighted by them, i CHOOSE to seek a new opportunity. today the meaning my life has, comes from the CHOICE to stay clean, and practice a program of recovery. it is only because i am clean and in recovery i am capable of taking direction and seeking help from the POWER that fuels my recovery, because it is that POWER that gives my life some meaning today. anyhow, it is time to head on over to work. i am grateful fro the opportunity to be clean and make a decent wage, although it never will be enough. just for today? well just for today, i CHOOSE to allow the pattern and meaning of my life to be revealed through the interactions i have with the world around me.

∞ DT ∞