Blog entry for:

of my recovery, no matter what i call it, a pattern, a ritual or a habit, has probably been what has kept me clean for so long. that pattern is part of what gave rise to the whole existential crisis i spoke of yesterday. the notion that i am an addict and if i want what i have to keep coming, than i have to do what i always have done, is overwhelming at times. the very things i am grateful for, such as a warm home, relationships, vacations and cars, are just symbols of what is going on inside of me. the “identity crisis” i have been going through, is because of the step work i have been doing and is more than likely a symptom of me approaching the end of my 12th Step, as this set of steps was specifically about a better definition of my identity in the fellowship, my family, my relationships and the world in general. the reading about doing what i need to do to live an active program of recovery, is all about what am i willing to do today.
i would be lying if i said i never envied those who have moved on, “graduated” as it were. i would be lying if i said i never envied those who scrape by and couch surf their live away. i would be lying if i said i never envied those who appear to do nothing but appear to have their lives together. and i would be lying if i said i never envied those who just do not use, no matter what, and are good with getting just that out of their recovery. as is clearly evident, i am a “grass is always greener” sort of person, and when i get trapped in it looks so much better over there, i have to remember, what it took to get me to a place where comparisons are even useful. i have to look at why i would want to compare and contrast, when that's an exercise i am going to always lose.
ah, there it is, as many of my peers may say, the addict within using my own voice and my own recovery against me.
that would be the simple way to describe it, and of course i fancy myself as some sort of pseudo-intellectual, so i cannot leave it at that, because i do not wear that well. what i hear and what i do see, is a symptom of addiction manifesting in my life. using my character defect of lowered self-esteem, yeah i am getting abetter, to hammer me with my shortcoming of self-abuse and self-abasement, to shift my focus off of what is happening inside of me, to what may be happening to those around me. honestly, the life of no bills, no responsibilities, using every day and taking the couch tour of Longmont, only looks appealing for a second. that chaotic and unsettled lifestyle would wear on my quite quickly.
living life as someone who has graduated from the program, would isolate me from the closest, trusted and most cherished relationships i have accumulated and worse, from the understanding of a spiritual path that i have chosen to be on. nope, i am what i am and today i am quite certain i am an addict, who will do whatever it takes to foster my recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞