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can make the biggest difference. or no good deed goes unpunished. quite a dichotomy there, but as i have discovered over the past twenty-four hours, just because someone purports to be normal, they are not precluded form acting like self-absorbed, disrespectful a$$wipe douches, and worst of all, they can certainly rationalize and justify away their part in that behavior after all…
to sum up, self-entitled flakes come in all forms and from all walks of life and something i was once willing to do, just because it was the right thing to do, became one or thee worst decisions i made and when i withdrew my offer, i became the fVcking bad guy, who made someone cry.
so today, i am more than a bit cynical about just doing the next right thing regardless how small and seemingly insignificant, as my recent experience is screaming that it WILL come back to bite me in the a$$.
so even though i am still stinging at the latest rebuke from a pit of disrespect and self-interest, i must look at the whole picture not the single evil pixel of hate. when i pull back and seek a new perspective, i see that most of the time, regardless if it is someone from the other 85% of humanity or not, most of the good deeds, small kindnesses, and hidden favors i do, create a better world. i may not believe in altruism, but i do see, that despite my resistance to rainbows and unicorns this morning, my experience over the past twenty-four hours was not the norm. as an outlier, it was just that: a sucky experience that tells me that the next time i get a request through that channel, i will decline with extreme prejudice, as my experience is beginning to show, that is also a bottomless pit that will never exit from my life, until i say “no more.”
so is there any rainbows or unicorns for me this morning. i as move through the foul taste that all my bile and vitriol has left in my mouth i see that all of this goes back to an expectation i have of others. i have a former sponsee who used to whine time and again about what he would do if in the shoes of someone else. well guess what here i am! i expected to be treated with respect, have my boundaries honored and be engaged in a kind and yes courteous manner. i got pissed off and all butt hurt when that did not happen. it got even worse when i addressed specific behaviors and how disrespected i felt and they blew it off with “i was just so stressed i could not…” as i expected to have my concerns addressed, instead of minimized. so i felt as they had tired to put out this fire with gasoline.
my first instinct was to respond in kind, elevating the battle and call them for what i thought they really were and let them know that they hurt me, and i was going to make sure i hurt them as well, and so much more. common behavior for me, from back in the day, when i had to get respect through fear, manipulation and intimidation. today? well today, after doing a bit of dumping, i feel ready to go face the world, fart a few daisies and maybe sh!t a rainbow or two. i can forgive those who i feel have wronged me, chalk it up to another opportunity for growth and move on with my life. i have also learned a very powerful lesson that i try and impart upon my sponsees: NO is sometimes the next right thing to say, when asked to do something. agreeing to take something one, despite my misgivings, and they were evident from the very beginning, means i VOLUNTEERED for this misery and was hardly a victim in this case, no matter how hard i try and spin it. the source of my lingering anger is not at that ungrateful person, but at myself for taking on something, for someone, without considering that maybe, just maybe, there would be a price to pay, that was beyond what i was willing to pay.
flakes will be flakes, and addicts will be addicts, BUT today i do not want to be a flaky addict anymore. i want to make a difference in the world, and instead of people-pleasing my way to pain and misery, i think i will walk with my head held high, enforce my boundaries and finally forgive myself for that very toolish decision.

∞ DT ∞