Blog entry for:

ways that reflect who i truly am. so as this cold grinds on and i prepare to start my final five day stint at my current gig, what kept coming back as i sat quietly was a series of different songs from the 70's and the 80's. yes, my ELEVENTH STEP was a “one more from the vaults sort of session.” not trying to dive too deep into the meaning of it all, each of those songs were tied to a very specific incident and person in my past. the nicest part of it all, was that it was quite a mix of remembered feelings that were all over the so-called “good-bad” spectrum of feelings, if i were one to attach value judgements to my feelings. i could go on like this RAH-RAH-CIS-BOOM-BAH: THE STEPS, THE STEPS, THE STEPS, but you get the point. because i have been diligent in working steps, i have reached a point in my life, where the past has lost its hold on me,m and even better yet, the buttons and those automatic reactionary behaviors arising from those buttons being pushed, have been diminished. as i worked with a couple of sponsees over the weekend, i saw that i too, was holding on to things. i, too, was afraid to let go of a thang or two. i, too, was letting what i thought might happen, keep in from moving forward. this week will be quite a trial for me, as i prepare to leave the warm, fuzzy and quite comfortable place that i have been, and step into the unknown place of where i am going. i want to say that man i feel great about what i am doing, but i do not. i want to say that i am quite confident in this leap of FAITH and that the POWER that fuels my recovery has my back, but that also eludes me this morning. the truth of the matter is i want to back out, say i am sorry for causing all the hassle and return to a place that i know and love. what i want to do is run from the FEAR, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT, because i am afraid i am not good enough, not smart enough and not young enough, to succeed in this new endeavor. after all, i am just a garden variety addict,m and as such i cannot consistently make good decisions…
so what was my next move? well it was of course to go shopping, i clicked on an e-mail from my Alma Mater and looked at another, nice and very attractive on-sale hoodie, instead of facing the feelings i am facing, namely once again FEAR of failure. well i did not buy the hoodie, and i am going to go take care of my bodily functions, shower off the past 24 hours and scrape the hair off my face. then i am going to go to work, give them eight or so hours of my best and let everything else go. and yes, MY past and MY future, do have a hold on me right here and right now, so a bit of FAIOTH and just doing the next right thing, may help me move through this minute and into my day.

∞ DT ∞