Blog entry for:

for what it really was, is a recurring theme these days, as i deal with the fallout of my FIFTH STEP and start my move into STEP SIX. living out from under the shadow of a belief structure that stymied my growth, physically, emotionally and spiritually, feels strange and unusual, as nothing quite fits. what does fit, is the notion that i will not knowingly volunteer for an experience that appears to be less than enjoyable. that may mean saying no, for the first time in my life, without finding an excuse to weasel my way out, as i have been known to do. i may not feel comfortable doing so, BUT to defer to “looking good,” instead of doing what i know is correct for me, is the direction i am taking these days.
moving into the here and now, this morning i am feeling a bit less hopeful about my life, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. it is not as if i am less optimistic, it is i just feel that the many things i have left unsaid, are coming back to haunt me. among those things is my need to protect and defend myself from the slings and arrows i have been throwing at myself. in days gone by, this would mean swallowing my self-criticism until i could deny that there was even anything to look at. today it means taking a look and seeing if the criticism is valid and something i need to deal with, in the here and now. copying and pasting code, is something i need to change. passive-aggressively trying to get someone to actually take care of themselves, is something i need to drop by the wayside and not pick up again. being part of my family, without judging how they behave, is certainly something i can work on. pounding out some miles, in dawn's early light? well that sounds like the best way to get my day rolling down the tracks into the near future, just for today.

∞ DT ∞