β in recovery, i am a β
Posted: Thu, Jan 22, 2015 07:33:47 AM
teacher as well as a student.
the reading has one of those analogies, that i find cheesy from time to time, today, not so much. today, i find the fellowship as a classroom analogy particularly apt. that being said, the time has come to get into the meat of my writing.
when i look for lessons in my peers, what they say, how they live their lives, and how they practice their program of recovery, i often uncover that what they say and what they do not match up. i have heard more than one of my peers, speak about self-acceptance and them give their wholes selves into one relationship after another, not only compromising but actually living against their values. when it ends badly, as it does most of the time, they act as if that is what THEY intended, from the git go. more importantly when a chain of events is interpreted in an unfavorable, but more realistic manner, by someone on the outside, they get all petulant and butt-hurt. i see it in others, and i certainly see it in myself. i have yet to put myself into that exact situation, but i certainly have done enough stuff, that i really want to spin to make myself look better. i have heard all the excuses, and made most of them myself, but today, i am not afraid of ending up alone. i work on myself, so i can be a partner in any relationship, especially those i cherish the most. i do not have to live through my insecurities and i learned that, from the my peers in the fellowship. not all the lessons i see, are bad examples, in fact most are examples of how living in a healthy manner furthers my journey to becoming the person i want to be.
it is true, i like having the latest and greatest token of my prosperity; i crave the acceptance and respect of others; and i often wonder when the other shoe is going to drop and everything i have built, and been given as a result of doing the work, will be stripped away. then i go to a meeting and hear a FNG share about being on the “pink cloud,” and even though i know that too shall pass. the lesson i take away is that i too, can live for a moment in the pink-cloudish world, that just for right now, everything is perfect, regardless of what is going on in my life. when i hear one of my peers, talking about finally living the promise of FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION, i get the lesson, that too is me, just for today. when i hear a friend talking about not being able to stop using, no matter what they do, i get the lesson, that was and could be me again, owned by the very thing that saves me from dealing with the misery of that life. i could go on, but as you can see, the daises and rainbows just keep coming, in fact i am beginning to feel a bit like one of those…
i will end it here by saying this: sometimes the still suffering addict has decades clean and needs someone to listen to them, more than the FNG who cannot sit through an entire meeting. sometimes the still suffering addict is me, even though i am well on my way through my second decade of clean time. it is the still suffering who have the most to teach me, so i can pass on what they do, the next time i am drafted to teach my life lesson.
the reading has one of those analogies, that i find cheesy from time to time, today, not so much. today, i find the fellowship as a classroom analogy particularly apt. that being said, the time has come to get into the meat of my writing.
when i look for lessons in my peers, what they say, how they live their lives, and how they practice their program of recovery, i often uncover that what they say and what they do not match up. i have heard more than one of my peers, speak about self-acceptance and them give their wholes selves into one relationship after another, not only compromising but actually living against their values. when it ends badly, as it does most of the time, they act as if that is what THEY intended, from the git go. more importantly when a chain of events is interpreted in an unfavorable, but more realistic manner, by someone on the outside, they get all petulant and butt-hurt. i see it in others, and i certainly see it in myself. i have yet to put myself into that exact situation, but i certainly have done enough stuff, that i really want to spin to make myself look better. i have heard all the excuses, and made most of them myself, but today, i am not afraid of ending up alone. i work on myself, so i can be a partner in any relationship, especially those i cherish the most. i do not have to live through my insecurities and i learned that, from the my peers in the fellowship. not all the lessons i see, are bad examples, in fact most are examples of how living in a healthy manner furthers my journey to becoming the person i want to be.
it is true, i like having the latest and greatest token of my prosperity; i crave the acceptance and respect of others; and i often wonder when the other shoe is going to drop and everything i have built, and been given as a result of doing the work, will be stripped away. then i go to a meeting and hear a FNG share about being on the “pink cloud,” and even though i know that too shall pass. the lesson i take away is that i too, can live for a moment in the pink-cloudish world, that just for right now, everything is perfect, regardless of what is going on in my life. when i hear one of my peers, talking about finally living the promise of FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION, i get the lesson, that too is me, just for today. when i hear a friend talking about not being able to stop using, no matter what they do, i get the lesson, that was and could be me again, owned by the very thing that saves me from dealing with the misery of that life. i could go on, but as you can see, the daises and rainbows just keep coming, in fact i am beginning to feel a bit like one of those…
i will end it here by saying this: sometimes the still suffering addict has decades clean and needs someone to listen to them, more than the FNG who cannot sit through an entire meeting. sometimes the still suffering addict is me, even though i am well on my way through my second decade of clean time. it is the still suffering who have the most to teach me, so i can pass on what they do, the next time i am drafted to teach my life lesson.
∞ DT ∞