Ξ± hard knocks or just life. does it really matter? Ξ±
Posted: Sun, Jan 22, 2006 08:33:42 AM
ah, the lessons of life and the school of recovery, what an appropriate topic just for today. i have been feeling kind of sickly physically the past couple of days and of course as my body aches and hurts, the part of me i call my disease says you know how to fix that! hah i say to that, i know that part of me wants to see me dead but will settle for me being loaded. i have been down this road before and came out clean, so i have the experience of that little lesson to provide the means for me to pass this tiny little test, and truthfully that test only has two possible outcomes SUCCESS or FAILURE, no curve or no only a little loaded. but that is not what is really on my mind today.
what is on my mind is this whole gig of finding a place to share my life with the woman i love. it has been a long time since i have chosen to co-habit in a relationship and some of the old garbage is starting to resurface. since this is the first time since i have started this recovery trip i have even been close to moving in, the old stuff has yet to be looked at and discarded for what it is -- garbage. i feel in my soul that this is the right time to deepen my commitment and sharing a living situation is the first step towards deepening that commitment. but the part of me i call my disease screams for me to stop right here. after all, have i forgotten the pain and anguish i went through when my ex-wife left me? and she was the first of two women that left me. have i forgotten how hard it was to sublimate my needs and desires to make our lives come together? and we are both very independent types of people who value their safe and quiet personal spaces. have i forgotten that all of my romantic relationships end-up as flaming wrecks with casualties everywhere, some innocent bystanders, some overly involved?
no i have not forgotten any of that, BUT (notice it is a big one :) ) now i have some days of recovery from active addiction under my belt, now i have some step work done, now i have a better sense of who and what i am and now i am willing to learn. and where will i choose to learn how to do this -- THE SCHOOL OF RECOVERY, N'EST-CE PAS! so here i bring my little whining session back around to the hope of recovery. yes i have fears and concerns, and yes there may be more than a few uncomfortable moments over the next couple of months, but i am willing to face those little tests and learn the tools that i need to, so i can pass them on. i welcome this opportunity for growth and will see what happens as a result, just for today!
∞ DT ∞
what is on my mind is this whole gig of finding a place to share my life with the woman i love. it has been a long time since i have chosen to co-habit in a relationship and some of the old garbage is starting to resurface. since this is the first time since i have started this recovery trip i have even been close to moving in, the old stuff has yet to be looked at and discarded for what it is -- garbage. i feel in my soul that this is the right time to deepen my commitment and sharing a living situation is the first step towards deepening that commitment. but the part of me i call my disease screams for me to stop right here. after all, have i forgotten the pain and anguish i went through when my ex-wife left me? and she was the first of two women that left me. have i forgotten how hard it was to sublimate my needs and desires to make our lives come together? and we are both very independent types of people who value their safe and quiet personal spaces. have i forgotten that all of my romantic relationships end-up as flaming wrecks with casualties everywhere, some innocent bystanders, some overly involved?
no i have not forgotten any of that, BUT (notice it is a big one :) ) now i have some days of recovery from active addiction under my belt, now i have some step work done, now i have a better sense of who and what i am and now i am willing to learn. and where will i choose to learn how to do this -- THE SCHOOL OF RECOVERY, N'EST-CE PAS! so here i bring my little whining session back around to the hope of recovery. yes i have fears and concerns, and yes there may be more than a few uncomfortable moments over the next couple of months, but i am willing to face those little tests and learn the tools that i need to, so i can pass them on. i welcome this opportunity for growth and will see what happens as a result, just for today!
∞ DT ∞