Blog entry for:

as much as i find some of these metaphors a bit trite, especially after commenting on them on an annual basis, this is one that feels more than a bit irksome to me today. the fact that where i once “knew” about how to live and do this recover gig and now i am uncovering the extent of what i have yet to learn, is a bit jarring to my identity and to the balance i seek in my life. the fact that i allow for this to happen, the discovery process that is, is a sign of growth. if you were waiting for the BUT, here it is, BUT i want to see myself as having the answers to all of what life throws at me, even if i know it is all smoke and mirrors. being genuine about who i am is a path i want to to be on, at the same time, it is one that i dread, what if i am not really the person i have always wanted to be. before i go to far down the rabbit hole.
this morning after having a cigar yesterday, i have come to the conclusion that i can keep beating myself up about starting down a path that ends in returning to the life of a full-time smoker, or just accept that i do have a choice these days, and when i choose to partake in the pleasures of tobacco, there will be pain involved to return to the state of having that choice again. this does not need to be such a struggle for me, and it goes to my point of looking better than i am doing. when i “stumble” i quickly look around to see if anyone else observed my pratfall and if they did, pretend as if i meant to do it the whole time. this journey into the heart of darkness about nicotine and addiction, has been well-documented to anyone who is paying attention, most importantly myself. where it seems to be headed is me throwing in the towel and saying F*CK IT ALL, after all i cannot get more than seven days smoke free these days. i see myself as a failure and i might as well just finish off the self-fulfilling prophecy and surrender to the substance. and so it goes… what i am going to do, is pick my spiritual self up, brush the dirt off and return to just for today, i am not going to smoke. no excuses to my brothers of the leaf, just a straight up choice i am making. the “lesson” learned is that i may be able to handle some of life's lessons with the knowledge and experience that i have and those i cannot, i can allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to give me what i need in order to do so.

∞ DT ∞