Blog entry for:

carrying the message to the still suffering addict and i can only keep what i have by giving it away. quite a pair of concepts to lead off this exercise in brain dumpery.
the other night i received a letter from a friend, who happens to be the guest of the Boulder County Sheriff, due to his continual exercise of self-will. it was part of my writing yesterday, my 10th step last night and once again my 11th, this morning, so there must be something more in there that is touching a nerve or two within me.
okay, now that i took care of a small little task, i can get back to this. what i am hearing from the quiet, still voice inside, yes i am using that very trite and gratuitous phrase, is do i really know the difference between desperation and impatience; self-will and the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery; or what i NEED versus what i want. as far out of left field as that may seem, it actually fits with the reading in a few different ways, as in IF i believe that a 12th Step call failed, then i have put expectations on the outcome and topped it off with a value judgement about what is good or bad. of course i do not use the terms good or bad, i mask my judgement under the terms “positive” and “negative ” and get away with a multitude of sins. that is however a digression and certainly food for another day.
back to the topic at hand, so casting a 12th effort or efforts as a failure, falls into that same category. expecting the “prospect” to stay clean as the result of my effort, brings up all those dilemmas mentioned above. it is an expression of self-will, impatience and what i DESIRE. after all, i still want to look good, and a failed 12th step call, could play directly into the story i often tell myself of not being “enough.” when i get into that state of mind and spirit the furthest thing from my mind, is doing the next right thing, and impatience howls over all that is going on in my life, drowning out the semblance of sanity that has been a gift of my recovery journey. the screams of anguish as i whine about not getting what i want, overshadow the notion that most of the time what i want and what i need are two different concepts and if i look at my life today, i am and have been getting what i need for quite some time.
so my friend? well, he probably will say i have written another letter full of negative stuff, when i talk about his reaction to things not moving at the speed he desires. in reality, i do not care all that much, as i am learning to do this relationship gig, with an addict who has tasted recovery a time or two, is currently abstinent, but not working any sort of program, save for self-sponsorship and self-will. what he wants and what he needs, are topics for him to consider. what i want is for him to stay clean and find a way to work a program of recovery, what i need? well i am clueless to that in this situation. what i do know is this: today i will go take care of what i need to attend to, including chemically removing the undesirable plants from my yard. i will be present for my home group and the men who are my peers, that will be showing up. most importantly i will have FAITH, that if i shut-up and listen, allow myself to feel what i need to feel, i will be given exactly what i NEED and maybe even just what i want as well, it is after all a great day to be clean and walking the walk of recovery.

∞ DT ∞