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one of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying. ironically that Carole King song did not pop into my head until i sat down to write this. the theme of change or just not trying goes to one relationship that i sadly need to leave way behind me. a friend, who recently left the care and custody of the Boulder County Sheriff has returned to a place that cannot include my, by my choice. the one who be changing is me, and i really did try and work on this relationship while i had the chance. unfortunately, things have not worked out as i would have hoped for, and i get that is not my fault, and although it's too late, right here and right now, it need not be so, one day further down the line. so it goes…
one thing that happened as a result of all of this, is that i sent three letters, quick, and short, off to three other men, who are currently being held against their will, to pay the price for the activities they engaged in, while in active addiction. i do not feel i need a pat on the back or an “attaboy,” as i mentioned it as a prelude into trying.
amazingly, being a parrot of my sponsor or those i respect, did not comer up, nor do i expect those who depend upon me for their guidance to parrot my views or unique take on the world and recovery. those brief missives sent out the other day, were just that, me saying: “here i am, i am willing to invest a bit in our relationship, let me know if you want to move forward with that project.” most of what i have been lear4ning to feel, as part of my step work this time, has been about my place in society, my fellowship, my family and the world in general. not the sort of lessons of humility as in knowing who i am in, but more like i know who i am, where do i fit in this picture and how do i interact as a result of this new understanding. more importantly do i owe anyone more than i am willing to give, as in do i take a chance and lend a using addict money, put them up in a motel or run any favors for them. in short, do i owe them anything that will make their life any more comfortable, while they choose to do something that i have decided not to. is that “not trying,” or is that protecting my membership in the No Matter What Club. certainly an interesting dilemma to sort out and although it is still early, i need to get rolling on down the road. i am more than certain that i will be chewing on this piece of fat for at least the drive in to work.

∞ DT ∞