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learning to live with others and becoming honest in my relationships, is a HUGE step for this addict. when i was in active addiction and yes, even in recovery, the last thing i wanted from anyone was an honest and intimate relationship. i resisted, prevaricated, hid in the shadows and diverted attention away from who i was, with a plethora of Jedi mind tricks and disappearing acts, until i could no longer stand being, who i had become ↪ isolated, resentful and alone. nit was only then, that i was ready to make a step forward into the real world.
i would like to say, that this started with my second set of steps, but that was not the case. it is true, the seed was planted during that go around, but it was not until the set of steps i just the notion of being who i was, bore any fruit. i wrote yesterday that i have learned to be unconcerned about many of the &#why i am the way i ams,” however, in this case, sometime during my third set of steps, it started to be something that began to gnaw at my awareness, what was i so afraid of, that i could not and would not allow myself to be shown to my peers, my family, my friends and my acquaintances? of course, there was the FEAR of getting hurt, if one allows himself to be known, one becomes vulnerable to being hurt. by being guarded and surrounding myself with an aura of aloofness and seeming indifference, i was “protecting” from all the possible harm, real and imagined that could be perpetrated upon my emotion self. was that the root cause, or just a symptom? i really do not know, nor do i care anymore. these days i am allowing myself to be who i am, different in some respects from my peers, but same in the most important one ↪ namely that we are all addicts, seeking a path out of active addiction.
finally coming to a place within myself that i can allow myself to be seen, was quite a step forward, and it would be quite wonderful to say, that the shadows no longer entice me with the promise of freedom from being known. there are times when i desire to duck and cover in those shadows and let the world spin past me, without affecting my emotional or spiritual balance. as tempting as that behavior may seem, the question arises to whether or not, i am really ready to pay the price that entails. yes isolation in my room, behind the walls of a fantasy series of fifteen volumes or more, sounds like a great idea from time to time, and from time to time, it just may be. returning to that way of life, does not seem all that appealing when i look at what it is i would be giving up and the fact theta my reason for hiding behind those walls, is slowly slipping away ↪ i do not like myself and i am certain that once one gets to know me, one will not like me either.
and so it goes, more than enough evidence that this addict is not cured and requires yet another cycle through the steps. i may not care if others approves of my spiritual path, but i still carry the need of having how i work my program., approved by one and all. ironically, it is as i move from what i have always done, into the world of choosing to consciously do what i need to do, that this notion, popped up and started to run my life. today, just for today, i am going to be okay, just walking my spiritual path and seeing where it leads me, without worrying about what it looks like to the rest of the world. i can do that and making that conscious choice is what has been percolating under the surface for quite a bit of time. it ios a great day to just be me.

∞ DT ∞