Blog entry for:

well i certainly hope i get my fantasy football stuff figured out soon, two losses in two weeks, is quickly propelling me to the bottom of the stack.
moving into a more recovery based entry from there, i can certainly see the attraction HOPE offers to those on the edges and pondering whether or not they should join the No Matter What club. part of me, the perverse side, keeps using that term, because i like what it conveys and because it ticks off one of my peers. no not HOPE, the No Matter What club. i may have some time, i may even have a bit of recovery, that does not free me from my desire to needle a friend or two, from time to time. yes, progress not perfection.
moving forward, something i heard last night at the meeting ended up ringing in my ears, this morning. over this next weekend i am headed out to the Gulf Coast of Alabama, for a wedding. that in and of itself is pretty amazing, but is not the notion that i am tripping on this morning. i have been to that particular piece of geography before, and the last time i was there i was using. in fact i used in many places along that coast, as i lived there for several months twice. most of the time, and in fact up until the time someone mentioned that they too, had used there, i simply forgot what my past with that place happened to be. i have reclaimed places from my active addiction in the past, so why is this sitting on my mind this morning, it is not like i know where every crack house happens to be. what i am getting. is not a feeling of dread, peppered with doom and gloom. no, instead i am getting the feeling that i need to be cautious about how i react to the feelings returning to that place brings up for me.
that sort of thought leads make to the place where i start preparing for the feelings i expect to have, yes a bit of future tripping into expectations and making obsessive plans based on this feeling or that, when i certainly do not know what feelings returning there will bring up. instead of saying to myself that if i feel this way, i NEED to do this, i prepare myself by ensuring that i am spiritually fit, across the course of the next few days. i center myself on being present for whatever i NEED to do, as well as on whatever it is i happen to be feeling. so when the time comes, and we touch down in yet another piece of geography for me to reclaim from my active addiction, i can do so, willingly, graciously and with a bit of aplomb. i can be okay, walking the streets where last i used and know that with just a bit of HOPE, i will be okay and be able to enjoy my time away from the mountains and next to the sea.
with that, i think i will pack this up, take the HOPE i now feel and head on down the road to work, it is a great day to be clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞