โฒ serenity check โต
Posted: Sat, Jan 23, 2016 09:54:34 AM
TAKE TWO!
once again i fat fingered what i was writing, but this morning i can smile and move along.
what i was writing about was an event that tipped me over into anger and resentment last night, as i was trying to unwind and relax. it was a phone call from a “friend” telling me that he was no longer incarcerated and that he needed me to look something up for him on the internet. amazingly there was no mention of his last call to me, in which he told me to fVck off and take my program with me. because i had an unmet expectation i revisited the anger i felt several months ago and instantly took on a resentment that tipped me over into a place where my ceneter was off. after realizing where i was, during my daily inventory, and sitting in my eleventh step this morning, i realized that i allowed my friend the power to take control of my feelings and carry me into a place, i do not like to dwell in. i am quite certain he could sense that i was to overly pleased to hear from him and as i sit here and write this, i am certain that i can move forward and leave the crap i generate in my head behind, at least in this instance.
yes, when i did a serenity check last night, i saw how fVcked i was, and only after some time and some quiet moments did the balance get restored within. i can and will have a better day, at least internally today, because as the reading suggests, i may just need a meeting and the company of my peers in recovery. there is a whole sh!tload of chaos spinning around me these days, and yet, for the most part, i have not let it in. today, i have decided i will do what i need to do, to maintain my program and allow myself to be okay with the events in the past. so far, it has been a very placid morning, as i have yet to interact with anyone, which means that at least i know where i am, and in the next few hours where i will be going. life in the real world is far from placid. politics, stock market crashes,blizzards and climate change are all spinning in the world and yet if i choose to accept what is, i need not go to the place of what i want things to be. yes i desire that the Broncos beat the Patriots tomorrow and that Arizona schools North Carolina, but will my world collapse if that is not the outcome? no, not really, as in the long and short run, neither of those games have a whole lot of effect in my life. will my friends, who are out and about find the rooms again? maybe and i will gladly welcome them back into the fold, but i am not going off the deep end over anyone who decide that they just cannot go twenty-four hours without a little sumthin', sumthin'.
coming from a place of acceptance about what i can accept and tolerance about what i am not quite capable of accepting is a good thing, and keeps me in the eye of the storm that is raging around me. i do not need to lie about what i am feeling, nor do i have to build a case against anything, except maybe Donald Trump and Sarah Palin. even those two political buffoons are not enough to drive me back into turmoil and angst, unless i choose to go to the “what if” in a year they are inaugurated on the Capitol steps. the fact is, the only way they can truly affect me, is if i allow myself to participate in the madness and chaos, and today, i choose not to allow that to be a part of my life.
once again i fat fingered what i was writing, but this morning i can smile and move along.
what i was writing about was an event that tipped me over into anger and resentment last night, as i was trying to unwind and relax. it was a phone call from a “friend” telling me that he was no longer incarcerated and that he needed me to look something up for him on the internet. amazingly there was no mention of his last call to me, in which he told me to fVck off and take my program with me. because i had an unmet expectation i revisited the anger i felt several months ago and instantly took on a resentment that tipped me over into a place where my ceneter was off. after realizing where i was, during my daily inventory, and sitting in my eleventh step this morning, i realized that i allowed my friend the power to take control of my feelings and carry me into a place, i do not like to dwell in. i am quite certain he could sense that i was to overly pleased to hear from him and as i sit here and write this, i am certain that i can move forward and leave the crap i generate in my head behind, at least in this instance.
yes, when i did a serenity check last night, i saw how fVcked i was, and only after some time and some quiet moments did the balance get restored within. i can and will have a better day, at least internally today, because as the reading suggests, i may just need a meeting and the company of my peers in recovery. there is a whole sh!tload of chaos spinning around me these days, and yet, for the most part, i have not let it in. today, i have decided i will do what i need to do, to maintain my program and allow myself to be okay with the events in the past. so far, it has been a very placid morning, as i have yet to interact with anyone, which means that at least i know where i am, and in the next few hours where i will be going. life in the real world is far from placid. politics, stock market crashes,blizzards and climate change are all spinning in the world and yet if i choose to accept what is, i need not go to the place of what i want things to be. yes i desire that the Broncos beat the Patriots tomorrow and that Arizona schools North Carolina, but will my world collapse if that is not the outcome? no, not really, as in the long and short run, neither of those games have a whole lot of effect in my life. will my friends, who are out and about find the rooms again? maybe and i will gladly welcome them back into the fold, but i am not going off the deep end over anyone who decide that they just cannot go twenty-four hours without a little sumthin', sumthin'.
coming from a place of acceptance about what i can accept and tolerance about what i am not quite capable of accepting is a good thing, and keeps me in the eye of the storm that is raging around me. i do not need to lie about what i am feeling, nor do i have to build a case against anything, except maybe Donald Trump and Sarah Palin. even those two political buffoons are not enough to drive me back into turmoil and angst, unless i choose to go to the “what if” in a year they are inaugurated on the Capitol steps. the fact is, the only way they can truly affect me, is if i allow myself to participate in the madness and chaos, and today, i choose not to allow that to be a part of my life.
∞ DT ∞