Blog entry for:

there is always something to write about, even when i feel that the reading is one of those, **spot-on, this is me, why would i ever disagree with what it says, kind of reading.**
after saying all of that, i am quite certain that for me, anyhow, the steps have been the key to a better me, as well as a better life. as i sat in the meeting last night, with more than a bit of HOPE, i wondered of the three men who were there because they wanted to be there, which one would “get” this notion into their head. not that i was doing a “just for tomorrow” kind of thing, but what i heard was desperation to get something more than the revolving door they seemed to feel trapped within. i understand that feeling, even though i denied i ever felt that feeling. well i denied it right up to the time that i finally became a member, anyhow. nowadays i see that i was just a desperate as any of my peers, who had lost everything, including their freedom and were willing to do anything to get something more. yes denial was quite a strong character trait for me, and it had so colored my world, that i had no HOPE of getting anything more in my life, i had “settled,” because i felt DOOMED to be what i was, for the rest of my life. the only thing that saved me from the angst that this realization brought me, was a quick dose of chemical bliss, in whatever form was available at the time. the cycle got tighter and tighter, my denial grew and grew, and the feeling of ennui and angst i had, was a symptom of not being okay with where i was in my life and where i was going. there was no shame in using for me, the only shame i felt, was when i got caught, and then it was the shame of not being smart enough, clever enough or sneaky enough, to keep that part of my life on the down low.
yes i used for six months, wherever i could. yes i did my best to disqualify and distance myself from recovery. and yes all of this was the part of me i call addiction, fighting what i knew was ultimately going to save me. when i finally became teachable and honestly looked at my life, not the trappings of social acceptability or my standing as a citizen, but the actual quality of how i was living, it was like a gunshot to my temple. all of a sudden, i caught a glimpse of some HOPE and that the members i most admired not only seemed to have the material trappings of a “normal” life, but something more. i finally saw that maybe that something more was what i wanted, and started my journey through the steps, in the fellowship that has become my home.
today, i KNOW what the process that has restores me to sanity is, and how that sanity affects my serenity. today i KNOW where the power to stay clean comes from. today, i am quite certain that recovery is the only way of life for me, even though i had a using dream last night. once upon a time i saw that as some sort of “sign from GOD” that i NEED to get the process cranking. today i still know that a dream in which i use is just a sign that the process is working.

∞ DT ∞