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or at least that was how i saw it. i do not know how many times i have heard myself or one my peers, excusing one thing or another by saying **it is a process.** it is true that recovery is certainly a process and one that does not work, unless one does the work. as much as i want to, i will not be better able to put healthy patterns in my life through the process of **ass-mosis.** reading between the lines, ferreting out loopholes and changing the meaning of words to suit my battered ego, does nothing to advance my progress towards becoming the version of the person i have the desire to be. denying that i do not like myself, by shouting time and again, how much i love myself, does nothing to advance my journey towards self-acceptance. it is not all “doom and gloom,” as there are many people in my life who appear to be doing this gig and fostering the recovery process.

Jerrianne K,
SEVENTEEN (17) years clean!
You are living proof that this PROCESS, does work.

right here would be where i diverge into a critical assessment of how poorly i am doing in implementing the “process.” today, i choose to look in a different direction. for reasons beyond my ken, i have a measure of serenity that feels, abnormal. there are plenty of things i could be twisting and turning about and plenty of people to slam, to feel better about myself. instead, i find acceptance and forgiveness. i am on the verge of letting one of the men i sponsor go, as i am no longer in the S.ponsor I.n N.ame O.nly business, and if they are unwilling to build some sort of relationship, so be it. i have been considering this move and as i have only “\'fired” one sponsee in my recovery process, this is not an action that i take lightly. i have considered and allowed myself to attempt to put my feelings aside, and the answer that keeps coming up, is the dreaded “not yet,” each and every time i examine what i feel in my heart. this disconnect between what i think and what i feel, is the only thing that is preventing me from acting. the “process” of making a decision is very rarely fraught with such ambiguity for me, so when i am in that state of being over something, i have to sit on my hands and wait.
just for today? well just for today, i think i will allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to put on my heart, the next right thing. i will allow the “process” to work and see what answers manifest as the day goes on.

∞ DT ∞