Blog entry for:

one of my major character defects has been low self-esteem. for as long as i can remember this one has ruled my life. i was never good enough in my own mind, so the shortcoming i used, was tearing down others, through gossip, intimidation, aggression and intellectual bullying. when i got clean i ws certain i was good with who i was, but the process of taking the steps. changed my mind in this regard.
trip one through the steps was not really all that helpful, and i do not blame the fellowship or my sponsor for that, i was unready for this recovery gig, and it was just going through the motions, so i could say i did all 12 steps. it was not until my second round of steps, that i started to see that more than my clean date was needed IF i was going to survive as a recovering person. when i finally came to and saw what i really thought of myself, i was saddened and just a bit pissed-off. how could i have been so idiotic in my beliefs? i know today, it was denial that kept me sick, and even today, the vestiges of that denial are still present, sort of like my appendix, it really does nothing, but when it gets infected, all of me gets sick and requires surgery to remove the offending item.
two step cycles later, i am coming to terms with who i am, and where i seem to be going. as i heard in a meeting not too long ago, as the fog around me clears, i see the horizon and more fog. acceptance is the key for me, accepting i am better at some stuff, and not so good at other tasks, means that i can okay with that. i need not be the best at everything and more importantly i need not lord over my friends, family members and peers, how great i am at anything, competence speaks for itself.
i could probably write a whole lot more on this topic, but i have family members less than 50 yards away celebrating the fact we are all together again, and i feel the need to be a part of that group, instead of hiding in my hotel room, writing this little number to the interwebs.
it is a good day to be clean and a better one to be a part of my family as well.

∞ DT ∞