Blog entry for:

on which i have built my life. yesterday, i thought i had a whole lot more shaking going on, and more to write. the circumstances of my morning, dictated that just like a Monty Python sketch, i just stopped and moved along. re-reading it this morning, i actually think that was some sort of HIGHER POWERED thing, as it made perfect sense to stop where i did. what happened over the course of the last 24, certainly makes me stop and say “HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!”
the one sponsee that i fired, instead of letting him fire me, is once again back in county lock-up. he was so done with the fellowship and the “haters” in it, and was quite certain he could do this recovery gig, by himself, based on his self-will. the circumstances of his current situation have proved him wrong. for me, the fact that he called me, after two weeks, because as a last ditch effort, maybe i could provide him what he needed. no one else “believes” in him and of course that is no fault of his. what gets me, at least today, is how i am far from willing to take care of what he thinks he “needs.”
for me, and of course i cannot speak for anyone else, surrendering at any level was a difficult task. the last thing i wanted to do, at any time, is admit that i am weak and feeble, so being powerless over addiction was a notion that did not come easily for me. i quite wrongly believed that if i got a bit of clean time, a career, some toys a relation ship and a few friend who had my back, i would be good to go. i believed that when i got those friends and peers, that it was their job to provide me with what i needed to stay clean, and if they chose not to, well then, they were just “haters.” i got that the power to stay clean probably did not exist in me yet, but was certain that over time, it would develop into one of my skills, and was more than a bit pissed off, when that did not happen. here i sit some six thousand and eight hundred days after the fact, still clean and it is not because of anything i earned or was entitled to get, i am still clean because i took a suggestion or two, let go of my pride and ego and finally owned the fact that i could not fight addiction and win, yes i ceased fighting addiction and learned to live a program 100% of the time. i am not content doing this 99.99999% of the time,as i know what will take me back to the nearest dispensary or worse: my self-will and ego. when i think i am in charge, and i do from time to time, things that i do not like to happen, start to happen. ironically, i was talking with my friends and peers the other night about “playing the tape all the way through” i do not need to play the tape, i just fast forward to the end, jails, institutions and death. i do not need to whine about how the consequences of my behavior do not suit me. i do not need to extend the inevitable. i just have leaned to surrender, without conditions, and move along. being one of those who struggled with being a part of, i know what it feels like to be on the outside. i know what what it feels like to try and fill the void within, with everything else. i also know what it feels like to surrender and embrace the program, honestly and without expectations. i am certain that for many, that notion is a foreign concept, just as it was for me, until i let go of pride and ego, today i have a bit of both, but they are subjugated to the notion that the POWER that fuels my recovery, will provide me the opportunities i need to thrive today, if i choose to allow it and am awake and present enough to exercise them.
my incarcerated friend? well that is something i will let go of and allow that same POWER to put on to my heart, my next action. quite honestly i want to say “FVCK OFF, man up and take responsibility for your actions and stop being such a whiny man-gina” so yes i have a bit of letting go to do, but the day is yound and i am willing.

∞ DT ∞