Blog entry for:

feeling much better physically today and it seems that both emotionally and spiritually i am doing better. this is a good thing because with the reading this morning suggesting that i should be extending mercy, in my condition yesterday i would have puked!
the truth is that i forget that what i got when i came to recovery was mercy not justice. the justice system may have thought that society was getting justice by sentencing me to the rooms, but their really was no retribution for my past behaviors inherent in their decisions. what society, and my loved really got was mercy. no longer was i running wild, violating laws, and people to serve whatever the current form of my self-obsession. no longer was i stealing and putting myself and others into dangerous situations by insisting on getting my way. no longer was i drain on the limited resources of the government and society in general. they got relief and i started the journey back to being a citizen.
my sentence was also mercy for me. I got a chance to find a new way of living. i got the chance to become a productive member of society, but most of all i got the chance to tackle the demons that drove me into active addiction.
so now i am learning to practice extending that same mercy to others and myself. the part of me i call my disease would rather me be beaten down to the place where using seems like a rational alternative. it would prefer that i continue to think of myself as a piece of shit, without worth and certainly not worthy of anyone‘s mercy, especially my own!
well this morning i know the lie for what it is, that yes i may always be an addict, but my addiction does not need to be active. the fellowship that saved my life also provides the means to show mercy to myself and others and to stop the screams for justice. i have FAITH that in the long run justice will be served but it is not my job to figure out what and when that will happen!
:) DT :))