Blog entry for:

time heals all wounds and erases all traces of the **wrongs,** i did, as i fashion my memories to fit my current **story.** as i return to the world of work and my life, such as it is, i get to stumble across one of my **favorite** readings. across the course of my recovery, i have come to terms about what a victim really is, and how most of the time, i am not one. sure i allowed those scammers to take me for a ton of money, but was i really a victim? i generally consider myself to be fairly smart and when presented with a situation that is too good to be true, i usually look with a critical eye to attempt to discern whether or not what i see, is really what i am going to get. the truth in that whole affair was that i had the desire for a quick buck and pushed the “pause button” on my ability to look behind the curtains. lesson learned? do not volunteer to have my money ripped-off, by looking for a very long time before i leap. in this case i scammed myself and paid a heavy financial price for my runaway self-will. their game was to get me in so deep, that walking away was not an option i could consider. do i want mercy for those fVckers? no, i still want them to be dragged by their short hairs into a place where i can extract my pound of flesh. maybe someday i will come to forgive myself for being so willful and allowing myself to be conned by professionals. i do have a path for that, and it is found in a daily program of active recovery.
coming back to the here and now, there are days when i still feel that i am a victim of reality and addiction. there are days when i can be a complete POS, and believe i am entitled to justice for all the smallest slights that occur as i walk out into the real world. there are even days when i take those feelings out on the people who are offering their help, but are incapable of doing anything that resembles what i believe i am entitled to getting. as sad as y=that sounds, that is still who i am. the HOPE here, is that as i become more spiritual and less self-centered, i can learn to live with a bit more balance and a lot less justified anger.
today, as i came back from the void, i “felt” that the time had come to stop blaming the world for what i am. the resentments that comprise my FOURTH STEP, are not unlike those i am holding against the scammers who i allowed to take me for a ride. i believed what i wanted to believe, as i accepted the lies of culture and came to believe i was entitled to something, without having to do any of the footwork. it is the whole “something for nothing” paradigm, writ large. i can hold on to what i know and have those resentments boiling just below the surface, ready to erupt at any time and splatter all over innocent parties, or i can write about them and start the healing process, that i have been avoiding out of FEAR. just for today, perhaps moving into a new place is truly the best path for this addict. something to consider as i get my miles in this morning.

∞ DT ∞