Blog entry for:

land opinions blocks the channel for spiritual guidance, holding on to them, only makes things worse, and yet, i THINK therefore i am.
prejudice and bias, every single human is riddled with both of them. for me to claim that i have risen above wither of them, would be a bald-faced lie. oh i can wail and gnash my teeth and pray for their removal. i can live in them and practice the corrective part of STEP TEN each and every day. i can justify and rationalize them away saying i am after all, only human. OR as i choose to do, more often than not, choose to acknowledge them and act differently, a gift from STEP SEVEN.
to be clear, i am not speaking about prejudice and bias in the sense of being a racist, bigot or misogynist, although i can certainly be all three, no that is a discussion for another time. what i am speaking about here, is the notion that i know best because of one thing or another, and even when i am not asked, will let you know exactly what knowing best means. this also applies to what i believe i am “owed” and to what i am “entitled.” this is much more subtle to overt bigotry, my notion of justice, mercy and fairness, is colored by what i believe i am owed. as a result, my behavior is often less than stellar when i do get what i believe ii deserve. this is certainly something i came to recovery with and was the foundation for the structure of belief that kept me in denial for so long. living under that regime created meant that i had to justify myself by working a 90 - 10 program of recovery, even though back in those days it was probably more like 55 - 45.
for me, the willingness to let go of what i think i know and am certain of, is a frightening proposition. there is a certain safety in holding on to ideas that are blatantly false, but quite familiar, as i have all the pathways to rationalization and justification predefined and ready to roll. the best part, is i can fall back on the most tired excuse of all, “that is just the way i am!” what i heard today, is that is not how i have to remain. the beauty of letting go of what i think i know, no matter how tightly wound it is to me, is that i GET to be something more than i was yesterday. most of what i think i am comes from culture and society, and very little was reality-based. recovery has given me the freedom to be something more, to walk out from under the shadow of those preconceived notions, prejudices and biases, and become someone i barely recognize. as i start to “feel” my way to the FIRST STEP, i am starting to get a clue or two about what i want for my filter for my next step cycle to be. when i started the last one, i thought i was going to focus on how to repair what was broken and instead i ended up seeing how i fit into the fellowship as just another addict. i gave up the vision i had of myself as someone defined by the service i did, and returned to the fold as a peer. when i let go of what i thought i was to the fellowship, i became something more and i am still on that journey as well. today i am certain that i have something to give and it need not be in front of everyone in center stage. my ego and pride, while still more than a little bit active in my life, is becoming less of a driving factor. as pride and ego diminishes, i see that many of the biases and prejudices i carry are not necessarily something i need to explain my world view any more. i can be okay knowing that there is much i do not know and what i think i know may not be reality.
anyhow,. got an early meeting today, so it is time to let go of telling y'all what to do and get moving towards the office, even if i am already there.

∞ DT ∞