โ life is not โ
Posted: Sat, May 13, 2017 09:58:36 AM
always pleasant, i am not entitled to be happy nor should i expect everyone to treat me as i EXPECT to be treated. that is just how it is. i really do love it when a peer asks me if things are going to get better, because i have the opportunity to say, well for sure they will get different. i can also say, that once i took my use of substances out of the equation that is my life, things did get better, at least to start with, over time, well, they just got different.
there is no “negative” spin and i do not see that as a cynical look at life, it is just reality. i need not tilt the world to see it as i would like to see it and am far from a victim of “fake news.” as i start to pile up the days and see what the real affect of active addiction and posing as an addict in recovery, had upon my life today, i am saddened by the fact that i was so resistant to this whole new way of life, even after many days of living in a semblance of recovery. what i KNOW today and what i thought i KNEW back in earlier days of my recovery, demonstrates the depth of my ignorance. i, like many of my peers, once believed that i was ENTITLED to certain things BECAUSE i stopped using substances. somewhere in my head, perhaps it was when i was cross-fellowshipping, i got the notion of all sorts of promises that i waited to manifest in my life, in very concrete and definable ways. to say i was disappointed would be an understatement, i was angry, resentful and very, very bitter. where the hell was all of that stuff i was ENTITLED to, and why was it not showering down upon me.
after my little foray into self-sponsorship and finally becoming a member, that sense of entitlement was diminished but far from removed, i still wanted all those promises, when the only thing i was actually promised, freedom form active addiction, had already been granted. since losing my sponsor to the realities of life on life's terms, i have been on quite a different path, spiritually and certainly in respect to my recovery. as a result my life has gotten a whole lot better and certainly way different than i ever dreamed of, after all, here i sit in my own hose, pounding out this missive to the denizens of the interwebs, and waxing philosophically about the nature of my expectations in recovery.
today, as i continue the progression through my recovery journey, i am certainly okay with “different.” in fact, different is not bad at all and i am not settling for anything, anymore. what i WANT is all the gifts recovery can provide: spiritually, materially, emotionally and physically. the problem is, that i am not quite sure how those gifts will come and what they will look like, when they do arrive. for certain, what i see as better may just be different and what i see as different may be the greatest thing that ever happened to me, my perspective is way skewed through the lens of my expectations.
surprisingly, one of those elements of a different life, is the certainty of knowing who i am today. i am losing the need to be the center of attention, come from a place of spiritual high ground and walk six inches off the ground.i get it today, that just as my peers are, i am just another addict, who happens to have a few days clean. a product of those days, is to see the world more clearly and accept that not all that i see, will be to my liking. the reading seems to imply that staying clean gets more difficult as time passes. for me, it gets easier, even though i do not have it down. even the path of my recovery, does not seem to be narrowing or becoming steeper, it just is and i am quite content with that today. does that mean i walk with authority and aplomb through my life? not hardly, i am still disappointed in not getting what i am due. i am still afraid to take a risk with those who have wounded me in the past. and i still place some very high expectations on the persons with whom i share my life, even though i realize i am setting them up to fail in my eyes. perhaps it is all part of the case i am trying to build against this recovery way of life, or maybe it is that i want them to be so much more than they have ever been. IDK, i will just move along into this day, where i am sneaking out of being grounded by work. it is a good day to recover and a good day to let go and enjoy what i find.
there is no “negative” spin and i do not see that as a cynical look at life, it is just reality. i need not tilt the world to see it as i would like to see it and am far from a victim of “fake news.” as i start to pile up the days and see what the real affect of active addiction and posing as an addict in recovery, had upon my life today, i am saddened by the fact that i was so resistant to this whole new way of life, even after many days of living in a semblance of recovery. what i KNOW today and what i thought i KNEW back in earlier days of my recovery, demonstrates the depth of my ignorance. i, like many of my peers, once believed that i was ENTITLED to certain things BECAUSE i stopped using substances. somewhere in my head, perhaps it was when i was cross-fellowshipping, i got the notion of all sorts of promises that i waited to manifest in my life, in very concrete and definable ways. to say i was disappointed would be an understatement, i was angry, resentful and very, very bitter. where the hell was all of that stuff i was ENTITLED to, and why was it not showering down upon me.
after my little foray into self-sponsorship and finally becoming a member, that sense of entitlement was diminished but far from removed, i still wanted all those promises, when the only thing i was actually promised, freedom form active addiction, had already been granted. since losing my sponsor to the realities of life on life's terms, i have been on quite a different path, spiritually and certainly in respect to my recovery. as a result my life has gotten a whole lot better and certainly way different than i ever dreamed of, after all, here i sit in my own hose, pounding out this missive to the denizens of the interwebs, and waxing philosophically about the nature of my expectations in recovery.
today, as i continue the progression through my recovery journey, i am certainly okay with “different.” in fact, different is not bad at all and i am not settling for anything, anymore. what i WANT is all the gifts recovery can provide: spiritually, materially, emotionally and physically. the problem is, that i am not quite sure how those gifts will come and what they will look like, when they do arrive. for certain, what i see as better may just be different and what i see as different may be the greatest thing that ever happened to me, my perspective is way skewed through the lens of my expectations.
surprisingly, one of those elements of a different life, is the certainty of knowing who i am today. i am losing the need to be the center of attention, come from a place of spiritual high ground and walk six inches off the ground.i get it today, that just as my peers are, i am just another addict, who happens to have a few days clean. a product of those days, is to see the world more clearly and accept that not all that i see, will be to my liking. the reading seems to imply that staying clean gets more difficult as time passes. for me, it gets easier, even though i do not have it down. even the path of my recovery, does not seem to be narrowing or becoming steeper, it just is and i am quite content with that today. does that mean i walk with authority and aplomb through my life? not hardly, i am still disappointed in not getting what i am due. i am still afraid to take a risk with those who have wounded me in the past. and i still place some very high expectations on the persons with whom i share my life, even though i realize i am setting them up to fail in my eyes. perhaps it is all part of the case i am trying to build against this recovery way of life, or maybe it is that i want them to be so much more than they have ever been. IDK, i will just move along into this day, where i am sneaking out of being grounded by work. it is a good day to recover and a good day to let go and enjoy what i find.
∞ DT ∞