Blog entry for:

i continue to pretend there is no burden from carrying a resentment held, or unexpressed remorse, i choose to live in thrall to addiction. ironically, this reading falls on day two of me, removing the clutter from my office. i made great strides yesterday, and today will certainly be a bit tough, as i have to decide which books i want to keep and which need to be let go of, one was or another. the honest truth is that most of those books will never be read again, by me anyhow, so i have to uncover a place where someone else may pick them up and read them. most of those books were from a time in my life, active addiction, where getting high and losing myself in a world of fantasy, was exactly where i wanted to be. no one else to bother me, no responsibilities, just me and the world that the author wove, and the characters acting as if they had some sort of physical existence. some of those epics, i will keep, most will go into one pile or another, and i really do not just want to toss them into the recycling bin, even though i know i can. as the day unfolds i will be better able to deal with those “old friends,” and sagas of heroism, cowardice and fantastic worlds.
of course, as always when it comes to cleaning up my past, i want to delay, defer and find something, anything else to do. the lawn needs mowing, the inside of my car requires cleaning, this little exercise needs to be extended out to thousands of words and the list goes on and on and on. i see this as not that much different that “uncluttering” my spirit as the reading suggests.i have many other tasks i can find to do, other than letting go of a resentment, practicing some patience and tolerance,. or perhaps just giving someone who makes my spiritual skin crawl a hug. any or all of those actions, are conscious choices i can make, just for today. gratefully, at least so far, i have not yet had to do any of the listed actions. just for right now, i can live in the fantasy that if i do nothing, everything that i want or need to do, will get done, automagically.
coming back to the topic at hand, do i have anything that i need to get rid of today? there is the manner in which i treat a peer, that had its roots in resentment, envy and jealousy. i believe that i have resolved those issues, at least for myself, as i now treat that peer as a non-practicing entity. i acknowledge their presence, reply courteously when addressed and answer their inquiries succinctly. i have no feelings one way or another when they walk into the room and do not feel “uncomfortable” when they decide to grace me with their presence. more than once in my life, i have allowed others to take my personal power, and envy and jealousy, are precisely that, a giving up of my personal power. back in the day, those to whom i had given my power to, often became non-entities in my life, once i got over being so freaking butt-hurt about what i did. “ex'd” out of my life. i am better than that today, i no longer feel the need, to remove someone from my life, as that too is a caving into to giving away my personal power. there is plenty in this life, that i have no power over, and i am no longer content, draining away what little power i have in unproductive activities. living as a “green-eyed” monster, is one of those activities that i choose to drop into the recycling bin. it does not mean that i no longer feel jealous, or envious, it just means i acknowledge them sooner and deal with them, before they once again consume my life.
i CHOOSE to be an active part of my fellowship today. i CHOOSE to go to the meetings i attend on a regular basis. i CHOOSE who i give my attention to and who i do not. and lately i having been choosing to engage less in putting up a “good front.” i know i did not hang the moon and any meetings that are present today, is BECAUSE of the addicts who came along after me. i am no better than my peers, and my actions are just starting to match that feeling. moving forward, the tough choices will not be made, unless i start moving forward and just for today, i can be okay with all the change i have initiated in my life.

∞ DT ∞