Blog entry for:

to truly enjoy my recovery.
i am truly amazed by the length of time, in and out of recovery,m that i gave away every bit of personal power i had, by allowing what i thought others were doing to be part of my considerations of what i was going to do today. seriously, living my life wondering what others think of me, being afraid others are judging me and talking about me, and isolating from others because i may not like what they may say, kept me in the darkness of isolation, in active addiction, and even through a huge part of my recovery.
why is this the lead off for my writing this morning? part of the damage i have done myself, and there has been a bunch, ties directly to this whole fear and loathing system of beliefs.
what will people think?
how can i look good?
what can i do to hide my flaws, imperfections and mistakes?
the answer always came down to pull back, isolate and keep all the distance i could, so no one could peak behind the curtain of the great and powerful don!
what did all that obsession get me?
a tiny little world filled with suspicion and a constant evaluation of everyone else's motives.
where does that leave me today? well the POWER that fuels my recovery, provides for me needs and even fosters some of the desires i have building within. one of those needs or desires, i have yet to sort that one out, is the need to be close to those in the fellowship and develop some friendships that go beyond mere acquaintances. becoming part of, instead of apart form, is a continuation of my amends to me, and one that has taken a sudden shift into the spotlight for me. as i speed my way to Boulder this morning, i will remember that yes today is one that i am an active participant in my life and my recovery. as such, i can allow myself to let go of what others may think of me, and be the best person i can be. it really is that simple, today.

∞ DT ∞