Blog entry for:

more than once i have looked at the gift of recovery as the impetus for an action based entirely on self-will. i mention this based on the behavior of some of my peers. while their hearts are in the right place and their motives more than likely beyond reproach, their actions take me back to the days, when, just like them, i believed that carrying the addict was the same as carrying the message. i believed without a doubt, it was my mission in life to GIVE whatever a newcomer thought they needed, because that was thew only way that i was going to stay clean. i allowed myself to be lied to, manipulated and conned out my most precious resource: time. not to mention the dollars that i “loaned” them nor the peace of mind i sacrificed wondering where they were and when they would finally “get it.” it took a whole lot of getting burned before i realized that a hand-out was not a hand up and giving a using addict a place to stay, just because they turned on the waterworks, was enabling them to continue killing themselves.
i do not know how many times i drove someone over to “see a friend,” when actually what they were doing is scoring, but today, i see that for what it was: people-pleasing and trying to look a whole lot better than i actually was feeling. if others saw my “generosity, and selflessness, ” and better yet, commended me on my effort, i felt better and more secure. the sad truth is this, a using addict will not stop using until they want to, and often a night or three out on the streets provides enough discomfort to force them to the point of making that decision. providing a using, unemployable, manipulative addict, housing is the same as putting a needle into their arm and driving the plunger home. for the longest time, i could not grasp the difference between carrying the message and being kind to the newest of the new and enabling a using addict to continue to spin down in their active addiction. the sad fact of life, i CANNOT RESCUE anyone and a kind word and my time, is probably more help than a rescue mission into the nearest roach infested cheap motel.
if rescuing a using addict is NOT the same as giving away my recovery, how does one “give it away?” certainly a valid question and one i often puzzle over. first and foremost, at least to me, is i have to see if what i am doing is to impress others, or am i doing it quietly on the down-low? there is still a part of me that craves recognition for my “good works,” and often drives me into the most untenable situations, such as the fact that i have thirteen sponsees. the truth is, i would not fire a single one of them, and the rationalization i used to accumulate such an oversize collection was that GOD would never give more sponsee than i could actually meet my commitment to. i have thirteen sponsees because it is GOD's will for me and not because it was my self-will run riot and my desire to look better than i am. what i once believed i was powerless over, i am coming to see was far more than that, it was a cry for help, draped in the banner of “carrying the message” and justified with shit-ton of spiritual camouflage. the very fact that it has yet to come back and bite me in my ass, is certainly a sign of some sort of POWER working in my life and saving this addict'ass from himself. needless to say, with all od my spiritual practices on the table in this round of steps, this too is a part of me that will require examination. just for today? well just for today i can give away my recovery without giving away myself. i can provide a hand up and denying a hand-out. most importantly i can be comfortable in my own skin with trying to control my life and force the outcomes i think i desire. it may take me more than twelve months to work a set of steps, but i am quite certain that today i am walking a path that includes being more than just abstinence.

∞ DT ∞