Blog entry for:

what i get, may just be what is best for me, regardless of what i may think. this morning, the notion of GOD*S will for me, triggered a rebellious response. more than likely part of this whole i am not POWERLESS did, i have been on lately and the backhanded way i have been proving it to myself. more than a bit ironic, that the one source that has never failed to provide me the sort of guidance i have needed, is the one source i am wholeheartedly against this morning. when i stop, let my emotions settle down, i know that the problem is not with the concept itself. the problem is the language used to express that idea and my lack of tolerance and acceptance over the use of that language. when i am, centered and feel good, the language that is used binds me to my peers, is not a problem. i get that it is the lingua franca of the groups, and even though those words take on different meaning to me, i am usually okay with the use of them.
this battle against being powerless has now spilled over into my 11TH STEP and that is not okay with me. as much as i hate to admit it, apparently the pain of not doing has just reached the level of the pain of doing, and it is time to move forward. is really sucks that for me, pain is still a motivating factor in moving forward with my step work. i want to be better than that, and yet i am not. when i take a sobering view of where i am today, i can certainly see that i want to “look” than i am and after all looking good is what it is really all about!
moving into the here and now, battling character defects is a losing proposition for me. denying that i am powerless in so many ways, is also a losing proposition and i detest being forced into doing anything that is good for me. what i want and what i get may coincide most of the time, and listening to the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery may be just what i want as well as what i get. i know that i am willful and stubborn and need to be dragged kicking and screaming into the next phase of my recovery,l is what i am getting today and apparently the time has come to surrender to the inevitable and allow myself to be okay with writing about all the things over which i have no power, so i can get moving forward with my recovery. does that mean i will i will do that? not necessarily, but i am certainly closer to doing so, that i ever was yesterday. so off to the showers and into my tasks for the day.

∞ DT ∞