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in control here, anyway? this where i am supposed to answer, why GOD, of course, silly boy. honestly, that little pat answer no longer pops off the top of my stack and i am just as honest, caring and spiritual, without having a deity in my life. i really wonder how well one can live when all they are told time and again, that they walk this Earth to suffer, and that the reward for their suffering will come in the “afterlife.” this program of recovery has taught me to live according to spiritual principles and i would wager that i am at least as honest, kind, giving and compassionate as the most of the adherents of this religion or that, and i do not walk around in a state of FEAR from being punished for the slightest transgression of some arbitrary moral code. oops, there i go again, slamming deists and theists, my apologies, my intent was to contrast who i am and leave it at that, as for me, the word GOD is a shortcut for the POWER that fuels my recovery, and that POWER lacks any of the attributes that it is suggested that IT have, at least in my worldview. the question then becomes, IF i do not have an understanding of HIGHER POWER that allows for IT to be loving and caring, how the fVCK can i live a 3RD step? and so the tap dancing begins.
when i get up in the morning and as i go through my day, i walk in a state of FAITH, that by paying attention to what is going on around me, i will get everything that i need to get today. where that “everything” will come from, is not an idea i ponder any longer. i have come to a state of acceptance with that, and i am quite sure that what i see, is the same for all those who walk the Earth today. those who take an active part of being a part of this world will get what they need, even if it looks meager and slim. when i look at my life, through the lens of ‘what if,’ ‘if only,’ or ‘but what about’ i have moved in with FEAR again and more than likely living in a state of self-will. i forgot that for the most part i have very little control over what happens in my life from day to day. i have forgotten to look for the opportunities that are coming my way, instead i am trying to manufacture them. when i attempt to manufacture what is not, i often times end up with exactly nothing and then the wailing, gnashing of teeth and whining begin. just as some of my peers are wont to do, the group and ‘you people’ are at fault, because i lack the clarity to look at myself and accept it is me that has kicked this hornet's nest of chaos.
today, i can give myself over to the unknowable POWER that fuels my recovery and walk in the sunlight of FAITH. today i can let go of the outcomes i see as desirable, while i do the footwork to make them come to fruition. today i can allow myself to dream and feel HOPE that no matter what, i will be given everything i need to stay clean today, and maybe, just maybe, a few of those things i DESIRE. it si a good day to be clean and come out from under the cloud of anger and resentment that i have been living under for so long.

∞ DT ∞