Blog entry for:

and my sense of belonging. for those who read this on any regular basis, you will notice a change in subject as i am trying out new seed material. for years i have used a tried and true piece of literature for my daily ELEVENTH STEP and this little exercise. today, at least for a month, i will be using the latest piece of literature published by the fellowship that has given me a new manner of living. i do not know if this will continue past March 31st, but at least it is worth a try, as when i close my mind to new ideas, especially because they happen to be new, i may be losing a valuable resource to enhance my recovery. for those who may be curious, here is a clue from which i am deriving my source material. now on to what i actually heard!
the idea that was on the top of my head this morning was the line, “in recovery, we learn to act our way into better thinking.” as i sat listening to the quiet, what i kept feeling was a sense of connection that i never had, before coming to the rooms and even for quite some time after i became abstinent and actually accepted this recovery gig as part of my life. in fact, over the course of the years, i took steps to maintain my distance from most of my peers by being abrasive, cynical and aloof. the few close relationships i fostered are deep and intense, the others were merely superficial. that seemed to be the best course of action, as in my experience letting others “connect” was dangerous. i, however, continued to act as if i wanted to be better connected and when the dam of the lie that haunted me for decades finally was ruptured and the flood of emotions i suppressed was released and washed me away, i finally came to a place where i could start to accept myself, exactly as i am, today.
i do regret what i have done over my active recovery, keeping others at arm's length, but i now can see in was not close to being in any sort of condition to let them any closer. i am not sure if GOD has a plan or not, but in my recovery plan, i had to come to find myself, before i could reveal that self to others, without the smoke and mirrors i was so complicit in maintaining. i knew what i was doing and accepted that as a fact of life. what i did not know was that by letting go of my ancient history i could let go of all of that. it is not as if i am suddenly a breath of fresh air, but i am certainly not as cynical as i once was and perhaps i can find more HOPE to share about as the days in this new regime accumulate.
well, i guess i am was not comfortable about what the last paragraph of this exercise said, as i forgot to save it away before clicking the button. i do know it was seeded with a memory of a peer who called me on Sunday, who happens to be working three different TWELVE STEP programs. i know that when i was “double dipping” it was to avoid belonging anywhere. once i walked away from that other “A” i have never looked back, as this fellowship allows me top treat the “whole” me and not one or another symptom of my addiction. i am not now, nor was i ever a “drug addict,” i was am]=nd still am just another addict in recovery who has found hios was into belonging in a place he was always seeking, just for today.

∞ DT ∞