Blog entry for:

for myself, my recovery and yes, my actions, may seem to be a no-brainer kind of idea, but it was not part of my plan, back in the days when i first was forced into getting clean. as a matter of fact, had one asked me, back on that fateful day about self-acceptance, i would have said of course i accept myself, after all i am forty years old and have been doing this adult thang for a bit of time. even those two statements, in or out of context, reveal the level of denial i lived in and the very lack of accepting responsibility for my life and the consequences of how i walked through it. to this day, my default knee-jerk reaction is to shift blame, look for a scapegoat and make sure the shite does not stick when it hits the fan. the HOPE? well that may be my default reaction, BUT because i actively work a program of recovery in my daily life, i can choose to be better than behaving in very familiar and seemingly ingrained manners. recovery has giving me a choice and i relish that freedom from, even though i have the freedom to react as i always have.
i certainly have taken a trip down one particular rabbit hole here. HOW i choose to behave and react, at least in my mind's eye, is a reflection of my level of self-acceptance. learning to feel what is undesirable, leads me to make more desirable decisions as i walk forward. rather than choosing to ignore the reality of my situation, i face it head on and accept responsibility, instead of turning to outside stimuli to defer my feelings. when i accept myself, i see myself as worthy of having unpleasant feelings and less than stellar circumstances in my life. i learn to grow more comfortable in my skin as i do the next right thing, no matter how uncomfortable, awkward or painful i perceive it to be. in reality, what i see as spooky and painful, is often the least of what i happening in my life. standing up for myself, instead of caving to the part of me i call addiction, allows me to prove that i not accept who i am, i also worthy of becoming more.
i could go on, but i am actually out of fresh ideas on this topic. i did not sleep well last night, for whatever reason and i am consumed about the “bug” i have in the little bit of programming i have been working on. so instead of trying to fill a page with words that are really just another cliché, i think i will move along on down the highway. it is a great day to be clean, and i am glad that just for today, i need not tell anyone as a collective “you” or “we” how to do this recovery gig. i will leave that that task for those who need to do so. just for today, all i desire to do, is to speak the truth about HOW i do it and leave the rest up to whomever happen to follow along this path.

∞ DT ∞