โ fearing the change or changing the fear โ
Posted: Mon, Dec 12, 2005 06:22:44 AM
after an exhausting, whirlwind trip through the service structure, i sit here this morning thinking about the changes that are going on internally and externally. i am grateful to be back in the comfortable safety of home and have had some time to reflect on what is really going on.
i received a wonderful gift this morning when i logged on to my blog page. a friend who has watched my progress since i first dragged my selfish, self-centered self into the room of recovery wrote about the progress she has observed since that fateful day. while she is over a thousand miles away, she still gets to see what is happening inside me through this blog. the gift part of this whole thing is that at one time i felt that this blog was just a paean ‘song or hymn of praise, joy, or triumph’ to my vanity and was considering ending my practice of writing every day. i am grateful that i decided to continue this exercise and add it to my daily routine.
thinking about the reading and fear of change and how that applies to me today....
yes the unknown is spooky beyond belief, at least to this addict, and one thing for certain is that change forces me to adapt and reorder my life to accommodate the new reality. honestly, since starting this walk through recovery i have been pleased with all the changes that have manifested inside of me. i look at where i am today emotionally, spiritually and mentally today and marvel about how i could be so different than i was when i walked in here. case in point, i was summoned for jury duty this morning and was dreading the experience. being a honest citizen though, i accepted my obligation and made the call last night to see what was required of me. when i made the call i found out that i did not need to report, my assigned juror number was outside of the the number the county needed today. BUT, since i had told my employer that i was summoned, i had a fleeting thought of taking the day off, as if i really had jury duty and sleeping in. no one would really know and i would not have to really tell any lies, all i had to do is not show up for work and enjoy a day off without any cost to me. i work an honest program and the act of lying by omission is not part of that program. so here i sit at work getting prepared to put in eight hours and do whatever it is that they pay me for. quite a change -- i practiced honesty when it would have been more convenient and enjoyable to act by default. i have to be as true as i can to my values today and even a little ‘white’ lie was more than i was willing to do today.
so in the face of that kind of evidence, my fears about change are rather silly. my HIGHER POWER has yet to present me with any change that was detrimental to me in the long run and truthfully when i consider the changes that i have been manifested in my life, the short run results have been acceptable to me. that begs the question why am i so afraid of allowing the process of change to progress without resistance? because resisting everything is a learned behavior that i have yet to let go of. does my resistance arise from fear or does fear create my resistance? an interesting question and one that i will probably never answer. entropy, the inevitable and steady deterioration of a system or society, applies here. since change is inevitable, the only control i can exercise is to apply a program of recovery to reverse the deterioration and accept that the results of those efforts will be not only to my liking, but within a design beyond my comprehension. life by its very nature is about change, addiction robs me of life, fear feeds my addiction so if i want to live today i must practice recovery, find the courage to allow the process to happen and move on to fears that really matter you know like nuclear annihilation, greenhouse warming and creeping totalitarianism. really spooky stuff, and not the silly spooky stuff of the changes that recovery is bring to me and my life.
∞ DT ∞
i received a wonderful gift this morning when i logged on to my blog page. a friend who has watched my progress since i first dragged my selfish, self-centered self into the room of recovery wrote about the progress she has observed since that fateful day. while she is over a thousand miles away, she still gets to see what is happening inside me through this blog. the gift part of this whole thing is that at one time i felt that this blog was just a paean ‘song or hymn of praise, joy, or triumph’ to my vanity and was considering ending my practice of writing every day. i am grateful that i decided to continue this exercise and add it to my daily routine.
thinking about the reading and fear of change and how that applies to me today....
yes the unknown is spooky beyond belief, at least to this addict, and one thing for certain is that change forces me to adapt and reorder my life to accommodate the new reality. honestly, since starting this walk through recovery i have been pleased with all the changes that have manifested inside of me. i look at where i am today emotionally, spiritually and mentally today and marvel about how i could be so different than i was when i walked in here. case in point, i was summoned for jury duty this morning and was dreading the experience. being a honest citizen though, i accepted my obligation and made the call last night to see what was required of me. when i made the call i found out that i did not need to report, my assigned juror number was outside of the the number the county needed today. BUT, since i had told my employer that i was summoned, i had a fleeting thought of taking the day off, as if i really had jury duty and sleeping in. no one would really know and i would not have to really tell any lies, all i had to do is not show up for work and enjoy a day off without any cost to me. i work an honest program and the act of lying by omission is not part of that program. so here i sit at work getting prepared to put in eight hours and do whatever it is that they pay me for. quite a change -- i practiced honesty when it would have been more convenient and enjoyable to act by default. i have to be as true as i can to my values today and even a little ‘white’ lie was more than i was willing to do today.
so in the face of that kind of evidence, my fears about change are rather silly. my HIGHER POWER has yet to present me with any change that was detrimental to me in the long run and truthfully when i consider the changes that i have been manifested in my life, the short run results have been acceptable to me. that begs the question why am i so afraid of allowing the process of change to progress without resistance? because resisting everything is a learned behavior that i have yet to let go of. does my resistance arise from fear or does fear create my resistance? an interesting question and one that i will probably never answer. entropy, the inevitable and steady deterioration of a system or society, applies here. since change is inevitable, the only control i can exercise is to apply a program of recovery to reverse the deterioration and accept that the results of those efforts will be not only to my liking, but within a design beyond my comprehension. life by its very nature is about change, addiction robs me of life, fear feeds my addiction so if i want to live today i must practice recovery, find the courage to allow the process to happen and move on to fears that really matter you know like nuclear annihilation, greenhouse warming and creeping totalitarianism. really spooky stuff, and not the silly spooky stuff of the changes that recovery is bring to me and my life.
∞ DT ∞