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fear of the unknown certainly looks like an excellent task to take on, even though there are times when i just do not get it, the losing part not the fear part, i understand fear and the dread of what i cannot see coming.
a year ago my panties were all up in a bun about stuff happening in the local fellowship. when i finally let go and let things play out, as they would, the net result was absolutely no change. i did not have to sacrifice any of my esteem or respect to achieve this result. sadly, had other parties put as much energy into creating a strong home group, rather than dope-fiending in an unsustainable “solution” to a problem that did not exist, they could have fulfilled their desire and provided a real service. i have been in a place where i absolutely thought i knew what a solution was for a problem that i manufactured and know what it means to have to walk around, knowing i was wrong, but unable to express that to anyone, because i had lost so much self-respect in the process. those days, however, may be over but there is no guarantee that they will remain that way, as i am always seeking solutions to problems only i can see.
moving out oh what was and into what is, living life as a contractor is a bit disconcerting. the pay is good, i do not have to spend 3 days a week in the office and the work is challenging. other than paid time off, there are really no benefits that i require. the uncertainty of my position and its transient nature is what fuels the fear in me. after what happened a year ago, i guess i really am better off, as i can honestly look for my next position, while really not seeking a new one, as all parties involved understand what it means to be in my position. honestly i am better positioned for this holiday season that i was a year ago. i may not get days off, but i know i have a job after the first of the year. all the concerns, issues and worries i had a year ago, no longer are active in my life. even though i do not have a clue about what is coming down the pike, just for right now, i am okay with that.
what it all boils down to, looking through the lens of another year clean, was that i felt minimized and powerless a year ago in my career and i attempted to apply power i did not have, over a situation that had all the earmarks of being a divisive one. i was correct in seeing how damaging that situation was and i was correct when i finally let go of the skin i had sacrificed in that game and went along my merry way. all of my fears of being made irrelevant were just smoke and mirrors to cover up what was really going on in my life. today, i can be a part of without being concerned about how big of a part i actually may be. today i see my place in the world and have a bit of FAITH that no matter what the unknowable future brings, the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide me the tools i need to get through it, just for today.

∞ DT ∞