Blog entry for:

i once was, into something more, is quite a feat and an undertaking i do not not take lightly.
ah, the reading seems to be about becoming driven by a POWER greater than myself. in years past, that just might have been what i heard. this year, however, what i heard as i sat this morning was a different drummer as it were. there certainly is a transformation underway in my life and the process of morphing into a person i was never capable of becoming “back in the day,” is still underway. the problem i have these days with these HIGHER POWER readings, is that as i examine what i have come to believe and accept that it is certainly more than okay to walk off the beaten path, color out of the lines as it were, i find these reading a little less fitting, at least on the surface. when i take a minute to allow what i read to sink in, i often find there is a whole lot more shaking going on.
today, is a perfect example. yes i have found a spiritual path that does not have any sort of “SUPREME BEING.” for me, that is a relief, as across the years i have had to suppress what i felt in my heart and defer to what i thought in my head. over and over again, i attempted to take into my heart, the notion of a HIGHER POWER that was more akin to that of my peers, and over and over again, i was only partly successful, always feeling as if i still was missing something. i certainly was missing something, an idea that fit! as i am still quite good and “fitting in” when i think i need to be, i could look good and still be all messed up on the inside. life inside this recovery journey was far from calm, serene or peaceful, as the war raged on day after day, about what path to take. my last ELEVENTH STEP, finally allowed me to surrender to what is and be who i am. speaking of being who they are:

Scott K,
a newcomer no more!.
Congrats on making it to FIVE (5) years clean, just for today.

the fact of the matter is, surrender is what i needed and surrender was what i was trying to avoid. allowing myself to be who i am, has never been my first choice. after all… one can certainly guess what that particular litany of rationalizations and justifications, might contain and all of them a replay of those ancient stories, that are at the root of my insanity today. what i am thinking, as i wrap this little exercise up, is that today is certainly a good day to let go and allow myself to to be, i have nowhere i NEED to be, nothing i NEED to do and no one i NEED to see. with that sort of mindset on the top od the stack, it certainly can be a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞