Blog entry for:

i can, even when i can not let go of the harm that i believe has been inflicted upon me. that is the problem, what i believe and how i perceive events in my life do not always match reality. when i came to recovery, carrying a resentment or two was among the few of my favorite things. anything that the world, the cops, my employer, my family or the justice system did to me, was worthy of getting pissed off about, and carrying around to be whipped out and displayed like some sort of badge of honor. i was over-entitled, over-sensitive and believed i was always getting the short end of every deal. with that sort of mindset working me over in the background, it is no wonder that it took eighteen months to finally take STEP ONE and admit that i was more than “some kind of addict.”
there have been more than enough events in my life today that are frustrating the living crap out of me, and last night, they all seemed to play over and over and over again in my head, all night long. the wrong that was done to me, how i was going to rectify it and ill wishes for the person i believed was the cause of all my pain. needless to say, the “sleep” i did get, was not very worthwhile. this morning, as i sat, i realized that this is just the way things are and if i want to move forward i will need to be ready to comply with their request, even if it is not in compliance with the contract i have signed. the question i asked myself was, am i willing to lose another night's sleep over this and burn with a resentment? the answer i got, as i sat this morning, was ask for help and let the lawyers sort it out.
as if that was not enough, i received a letter from a friend who has been struggling to get their act together for nearly fifteen years. ironically that friend was part of my share last night as i carried the message. the fact that they cannot stay clean and that every time they use, they end up incarcerated, once again, is what i call the state of infinite probation. i am not quite sure as to my friend's motives, but they did take the time to explain in great detail, why they are where they are and how freaking innocent they happen to be. where i is this morning after tossing that particular friend over and over in my head last night as well, is that i do not know what my next action will be. time and again i have been the one person in the fellowship that has believed in them and supported them in their recovery. time and time again, what sounds so good while they are under lock and key, flies out the window, the second they hit the streets. my faith in their sincerity to do something more, is lagging and i hate to say it, i am thinking that maybe it would be better to leave this alone, instead of respond to the 911 letter i received yesterday.
what oi did get from sitting this morning, is some direction: ask for help, let things sit, be okay with how things turn out and allow myself the luxury of letting go and allowing the world to turn as it will, rather than force it to bend in my direction. with that in mind, i do believe that it is time to shower off, scrape the whiskers off my face and head on down to the office for a another day of work. it is a good day to be clean and yes i can forgive my friend, maybe he was not really wasting my time after all and really wants to join the world of recovery.

∞ DT ∞