โ how can i counter my fear and denial โ
Posted: Wed, Dec 21, 2005 05:42:23 AM
and open a way for me to accept change? it would be an interesting question if the answer was not provided in the reading this morning -- work the twelve steps! well actually the reading spoke to only working the first five, and that makes complete sense because the real internal changes really take off after step five but change has been present in my internal life since i first accepted that i was an addict without qualifications in my heart of hearts.
the funny part of this whole reading is that in my bleary eyed semi-waking state i first misread the word counter and thought it said conquer. and of course i went down that path with the thoughts about a new paradox, surrendering to the twelve step process to conquer fear and denial. well the reading was about countering not conquering and that is an entirely different concept. being who i am i would love to believe that the part of me that i call the disease of addiction can be conquered by the part of me i call my recovering self. it brings images of two gladiators hammering each other in the cruel noonday sun, neither giving any quarter and both bloody and bruised from the death match they are participating in. and truthfully some days that is how i feel, so the whole conquering image fit with my world view.
after re-reading the passage, i realize that the reading was not about battle but rather about accommodation, more like a chess match between two grand masters. it is subtle and slow-moving. each side making the sacrifices needed to achieve its ultimate goal. for the addict that goal is to use until i die, for the recovering addict that goal is just not use today no matter what. my addict self has no concerns about what means i will use to achieve his ends, and fear and denial are only two of the tools that are available to destroy my commitment to myself to continue to recover. using the process of the steps removes some of the power that fear and denial have over me and i become ready to accept the fact that not only is change inevitable, it is desirable and needs to be welcomed. i am not the man that i was when i came to this process but i can always go back to being him unless i continue to do what i can to change and accept change as being inherent in the process. it is like my sponsor asked me last week, which is more important the journey or the destination. since i have no clues as to the destination i will just focus on the journey and see what happens.
∞ DT ∞
the funny part of this whole reading is that in my bleary eyed semi-waking state i first misread the word counter and thought it said conquer. and of course i went down that path with the thoughts about a new paradox, surrendering to the twelve step process to conquer fear and denial. well the reading was about countering not conquering and that is an entirely different concept. being who i am i would love to believe that the part of me that i call the disease of addiction can be conquered by the part of me i call my recovering self. it brings images of two gladiators hammering each other in the cruel noonday sun, neither giving any quarter and both bloody and bruised from the death match they are participating in. and truthfully some days that is how i feel, so the whole conquering image fit with my world view.
after re-reading the passage, i realize that the reading was not about battle but rather about accommodation, more like a chess match between two grand masters. it is subtle and slow-moving. each side making the sacrifices needed to achieve its ultimate goal. for the addict that goal is to use until i die, for the recovering addict that goal is just not use today no matter what. my addict self has no concerns about what means i will use to achieve his ends, and fear and denial are only two of the tools that are available to destroy my commitment to myself to continue to recover. using the process of the steps removes some of the power that fear and denial have over me and i become ready to accept the fact that not only is change inevitable, it is desirable and needs to be welcomed. i am not the man that i was when i came to this process but i can always go back to being him unless i continue to do what i can to change and accept change as being inherent in the process. it is like my sponsor asked me last week, which is more important the journey or the destination. since i have no clues as to the destination i will just focus on the journey and see what happens.
∞ DT ∞