Blog entry for:
Thu, Dec 22, 2005 05:53:15 AM
α welcome to my new life or how i am learning to be real α
posted: Thu, Dec 22, 2005 05:53:15 AM
i do remember the ghost world existence of my active addiction, and as the reading reminded me i existed without any emotions, any connection to reality and did my best to blend into the surroundings. and it truly was just existing, rather than living. i often wonder when i made the change from living into merely existing and then i realize that knowledge of that event is relatively unimportant as i know when i stopped merely existing and started to live, september 10, 1997! that event over ninety-nine months ago was the first decision that i had made in a long time that actually benefited me and acknowledged that i felt i was worth something. at that that something was not much, but it was enough to give me the HOPE and WILLINGNESS to do more.
i have still lots to learn, like how to be more giving, more expressive with my love, more open, more tolerant and accepting of my feelings. learning how to love others and myself was not something i had bargained for when i got clean, after all this whole recovery gig was meant to be a temporary bridge back to my ghost world. a brief foray into reality to comply with the external forces that were ruling my life and never something that was going to be carried forward into the future. and the truth is, that it still a temporary respite from being a slave to my active addiction, it is only a done deal just for today!
the only problem is, now that i have sampled a bit of my life as a person, i am unwilling to trade what i feel back in and return to the half-life i was so fond of, after all this way is a whole lot more fun. it is also a whole lot more painful, but i am willing to accept the pain in exchange for the love i have found and am learning how to express. life as a human being may be tough, but the alternatives are no longer acceptable to me today. yes i have a long ways to go to be a fully realized spiritual being and i may never achieve that destination, but for me right here and right now the journey towards that goal is more deserving of my attention.
so i guess i will strive to serve others with love and learn to love myself -- JUST FOR TODAY!
∞ DT ∞
i have still lots to learn, like how to be more giving, more expressive with my love, more open, more tolerant and accepting of my feelings. learning how to love others and myself was not something i had bargained for when i got clean, after all this whole recovery gig was meant to be a temporary bridge back to my ghost world. a brief foray into reality to comply with the external forces that were ruling my life and never something that was going to be carried forward into the future. and the truth is, that it still a temporary respite from being a slave to my active addiction, it is only a done deal just for today!
the only problem is, now that i have sampled a bit of my life as a person, i am unwilling to trade what i feel back in and return to the half-life i was so fond of, after all this way is a whole lot more fun. it is also a whole lot more painful, but i am willing to accept the pain in exchange for the love i have found and am learning how to express. life as a human being may be tough, but the alternatives are no longer acceptable to me today. yes i have a long ways to go to be a fully realized spiritual being and i may never achieve that destination, but for me right here and right now the journey towards that goal is more deserving of my attention.
so i guess i will strive to serve others with love and learn to love myself -- JUST FOR TODAY!
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
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≡ my days of living like a ghost are past ≡ 577 words ➥ Tuesday, December 22, 2009 by: donnot
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§ when at the end of the road i find § 694 words ➥ Saturday, December 22, 2012 by: donnot
♥ i have found a new way to live. ♥ 1018 words ➥ Sunday, December 22, 2013 by: donnot
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🌄 seeking to 🌆 533 words ➥ Wednesday, December 22, 2021 by: donnot
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😁 rediscovering 😁 463 words ➥ Friday, December 22, 2023 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 1
3) Fishes should not be taken from the deep; instruments for the profit
of a state should not be shown to the people.